covered up.

2008-05-29T00:17:00.016+08:00

BLACKS FUN TOUCH at saint andrews village.

where i reluctantly joined a team in the men's category. luckily i wasnt the only girl. but it was a pretty good day in the sun. happy to see shan and mongs there! next time ex-hc team okayyy haha. now for peekchures of this pretty day.

the weather was pretty fantastic, as was the astro turf. but beware BURNS when diving.

and the celebrity of the day: WOOKIE!! haha derel's damn freaking cute dog.
AWWW.
shan asked me to put these pics up actually. there you go, birthday girl who couldnt stop beaming. i swear she looked like an idiot the whole of last night, so pleased she was with our company. :) you actually look like a normal human being in this photo. or maybe cuz theres a dog for comparison hahaha. lubchew la heh.

and not forgetting the games. i'm glad someone was taking photos, i rarely see such nice ones.

my team!

thats all folks i'm tireddd.

now if she does it like this will you do it like that.
now if she touches like this, will you touch her right back.
now if she moves like this, will you move it like that.

2 days to guilt-free fun!! :)

2008-05-29T00:05:00.002+08:00

results of my medical specialty aptitude test haha. right now i want anything SURGICAL, but who knows, maybe something will change my mind in the years to come.
but as of this moment, plastic surgery suits me just fine. so what if it takes the most number of years to specialize in huh. note fam med's right at the bottom haha.

for anyone interested: http://www.med-ed.virginia.edu/specialties/Home.cfm.

see if you like what you get haha.

2008-05-28T23:58:00.002+08:00

Rank	Specialty	Score
1	plastic surgery	42
2	urology	41
3	radiology	39
4	nuclear med	39
5	ophthalmology	39
6	gastroenterology	38
7	anesthesiology	38
8	dermatology	37
9	colon & rectal surgery	37
10	general surgery	37
11	otolaryngology	36
12	orthopaedic surgery	36
13	neurology	35
14	thoracic surgery	35
15	endocrinology	35
16	cardiology	34
17	pulmonology	34
18	emergency med	34
19	radiation oncology	33
20	obstetrics/gynecology	33
21	psychiatry	33
22	neurosurgery	33
23	aerospace med	32
24	pathology	32
25	infectious disease	32
26	hematology	32
27	allergy & immunology	31
28	rheumatology	31
29	physical med & rehabilitation	31
30	pediatrics	31
31	occupational med	29
32	general internal med	29
33	nephrology	28
34	med oncology	28
35	preventive med	27
36	family practice	26

2008-05-14T00:21:00.009+08:00

ughh i just ate a tremendous amount of food. within an hour. SIGH. and i am not looking forward to sch tmr. somehow medicine seems to be the same thing over and over again. i hope we get to watch another surgery though. ortho surg should be nice, bloody and interesting haha. and i've got my eye on the scrubs. i shall become cristina yang hehheh.

mother's day picsss.

wanted to go long beach at dempsey but then found out they only have set menus and my mom is quite anti-chinese restaurant so we went to find another place in dempsey to eat. since its HER day anw haha.
settled on wine company finally, and it was nearly 10 when we sat down tgt outdoors. they only had sharing platters so we ordered a couple before the kitchen closed. and a bottle of sparkling red wine at my recommendation! haha.
nice and cosy. wouldve liked indoors better but it was full.
nigey wigey and i haha.
and our FOOD. the food was good la. portions werent too small and most dishes tasted really good. esp the pizza i think. thin crust and herb-y.
after dinner, a nice tortoise-shell cat sidled up and my mom spent the next half hour with it haha. but it was really very sweet.
and my pweeetyy mommy with the carnation wine co gave out to all mothers there. my grandfather says i look like her. hahahah.
missed most of the man u wigan match, but it was worth it la. man u won anyway so it's alright. at least i got to catch the end, with alex ferguson bouncing up and down in glee. quite funny haha.

damn i just found out the party theme is pop stars not just stars. cannot be cristina yang alr sighh.

2008-05-11T15:05:00.004+08:00

so prawning last night netted me a grand total of.. FIVE prawns in 3 hours. hahaha okay fine i'm very noob. but then its my first time. at least now i know that i should jerk the rod when i feel a pull, and make sure the bait is well threaded so that the prawns dont make off with the bait unscathed. tricksy little things disappeared with my bait like at least 5 times haha.
and i overcame my fear of prawn feelers! haha ever since my mom tried to make me peel prawns for cooking ages ago i've never been able to touch prawn feelers without feeling all tingly. but last night i was BRAVE i learnt how to pull the hook from the prawn. quite a feat esp since some of them have PINCERS (i apologise to my greedy friends for i know that immediately made you think of chili crab haha). and the prawns jerk and thrash about waving their claws and snapping them at your fingers.

then they have barbeque grills at the back
for you to cook your prawns on the rack.
however, you first have to skewer them with a satay stick,
something that i find is just plain sick.
and so my neighbours were shocked to see
me setting those 5 dear prawns free
where they swam away in perfect glee
bound to find out that they've escaped only me (ie they're probably swimming in someone elses gastric juices now)

haha pardon my sudden wish to rhyme, it must be today's rare lightness of mind. HAHA.

and here i have my first prawn! caught within minutes, after which there was an incredibly dry spell haha.
and the total takings for the night in the net, although you cant really see them.

i'm a new soul
i came to this strange world
hoping i could learn a bit bout how to give and take
but since i came here, felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake

la, la, la, la
la, la, la, la

see i'm a young soul in this very strange world
hoping i could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
but why all this hate? try to communicate
finding trust and love is not always easy to make

a very me song, according to someone who i think knows me well enough.

2008-05-10T22:55:00.005+08:00

oh i nearly forgot tmr is mothers day. overly commercialised so we really shouldnt buy into the whole flowers/chocolates/dinner thing right. and mothers always claim that they dont want presents they just want (pick one or several) their kids to (1) not argue back/ (2) study hard/ (3) create less work for them/ (4) do household chores everyday.
but seriously how many of us actually make a daily effort to do any of these? by this i mean doing these things just because they would make your mother happier and not because she nags alot. so actually i think its pretty justified for one day to be set aside to remind them that we feel guilty for not managing to do what we're supposed to. after all, there's always IDEAL and then there's PRACTICAL. i'm sure that when we actually consider it, most of us think that our mothers deserve the best from us, but its not a thought that is constantly on our minds. especially when what she wants us to do at that time isnt high on our priority list.

so tmr there'll still be dinner at dempsey, and i will attempt to decorate a vase or smth for my mom to display the roses i bought for her in her shop. haha okay so its one rose so far to cheer her up cuz she was feeling stressed. but i used to give them to her quite regularly. i think i'll get back into that habit soon, because my mom is DAMN FREAKING BRILLIANT hahaha. love her love her love her. i need to have meals with her more regularly, just to catch up. i'm proud to say that i'm starting to help her more with the laundry too. :)

haha the reason i say shes freaking brilliant is because she is:
- my ultimate listening ear
- oh so corny that its actually funny
- full of wise words that make sense
- my source of money haha
- independent
- hot and funky heh
- very trusting (because i'm trustworthy la hehheh)

i could go on and on but then i think freaking brilliant says it all alr. i remember in sec 4 i had to write some composition abt someone that inspired me, and i wrote abt my mom. my teacher was extremely impressed and she said that she really wished her daughter would feel the same way about her next time.

ahh my mommy rocks la haha.

2008-05-10T22:21:00.006+08:00

okay okay i know. winning at mj doesnt mean that i can start lusting after highly priced items. unless i've been playing $20/$40 la, which i would never try. amw i doubt anyone would dare to play that with me, even though high risk means high returns according to someone haha. still, because i am bored now i can do this sort of rubbish, smth i've never done before.
so here goes, my list of things-that-would-be-in-my-possession-if-i-were-rich.

number one (and most necessary): ipod nano 8gb, because i reaaallyyy need more space to store my songs. i think 4gb limits me too much. in a nice red to match my room.

number two: wallet! frivolous really. but i have a thing for distressed leather and simplicity. actually this is quite a need, considering that the silver is fading in patches from my wallet now, to a not so pretty khaki.
number three: spotted while i was searching for images to represent my wish for a wallet, a bag! totally my kind, with the shoulder strap thing, slightly rugged-ish.

number four: and then i saw THIS. which is alot more practical and easy to match. given my lack of funding this makes alot more sense to buy. just that i cant afford either anyway so i dunno why i'm even saying all this haha. but i really REALLY want this.

number five: a classic something i think. tiffany charm, like the one lost some time ago. i promise to take really good care of this if i get it! haha darn just makes me think of all the mistakes that i've made. moments that you wish you could go back and change just by a little bit, that would make such a large difference.

sighh sometimes i really think its better to not know and not want. ignorance really is bliss. like if you've experienced the best, you'll somehow never be satisfied with anything less next time. there are exceptions i guess, but i think generally if you arent exposed to smth, you wont exactly hanker after it.

anw, i hope i know what i'm doing.

2008-05-09T18:09:00.002+08:00

i'm sure that i will always be
a lonely number like root three.

a three is all that's good and right
why must my three keep out of sight
beneath the vicious square root sign
i wish instead i were a nine.

for nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic.

i know i'll never see the sun
as 1.7321.
such is my reality
a sad irrationality.

when hark! what is this i see
another square root of a three.

as quietly co-waltzing by
together now we multiply
to form a number we prefer
rejoicing as an integer.

we break free from our mortal bonds,
with the wave of magic wands.

our square root signs become unglued
your love for me has been renewed.

haha this is a damn hilarious poem, and totally sweet because of how nerdy it is. i think i will never be a nine. its stupid shows like this that promote the notion of love at first sight. who would've thought harold and kumar can actually be read into huh. ugh but that is so not the point of the movie. fine la it's a good show, extremely sick though haha.
blading's the new obsession. and of course the good food places it can bring you to. off to trng now though. byeeeeee.

2008-05-01T22:18:00.003+08:00

i'm really very happy with my life now haha. feels like a really good mix of fun and learning. okay probably too much fun cuz i havent touched my books for a couple of days now, nor done anything remotely med related the moment i step out of hospital. but its just csfc, its time to just eeeaaassee into things heh.

speaking of happy i think theres nothing nicer than watching someone you care for smile and say that they are happy. i do that occasionally, announce to whoever's listening that the world is perfect right at that instant. (tends to happen when i take my first bite of azabu sabo ice cream haha) and i want to hear the person i like do just that. even better if i'm the reason for that happiness. hurhur i'm such a sappy idiot.

another random issue: i'm really beginning to think that things happen when you least expect it. treasures really do fall from the sky and land in ur lap. but likewise anvils also fall and land on your head haha. so there's no point waiting and wishing and expecting because, there is just no point. so hard as it may be to just sit back and do nothing, it's probably the best thing to do.

yet another related random issue: sometimes we want someone there for us, and this want is so intense we're willing to compromise on certain things, be it our pride or our personal standards. but i read this in the newspaper, something ashley alexandra dupre (yes, the callgirl linked to eliot spitzer) said. "if you are in a relationship, and it is doing absolutely nothing for you, and just makes you feel bad about yourself or cause unnecessary drama... why would you want that? you need to surround yourself with the people that make you feel good, and that will help you get to that next step in your life."
i think thats so incredibly true, and it applies to any sort of relationship with people, even friendship. we all need people who make us feel like we are worth something. anything less and we become psychologically damaged, even if we dont realise it. so hang in there, hold on for the people that will do that for you.

and as a side note, i will be suitably touched by someone who sings "everything" by michael buble to me, and mean it.

2008-04-28T23:45:00.002+08:00

i realize that i fantasize alot. not sexual fantasies la, i know all you sick pple out there are gonna jump straight to that conclusion haha. but my fantasies are no less embarrassing, at least to me, and i will not divulge them ever. haha okay maybe to a few special pple whom i know won't laugh at me. or at least i wont care if they laugh.
they're embarrassing because they go against what people think of me. there's really nothing wrong with them, not morally or anything, but they speak of someone who doesnt seem like myself at all. ughh maybe i'm just surpressing my true character haha. hiding it under a dark, perhaps overly-practical and proud surface. owells.
because the days have been so bloody hot recently, the sky was really clear tonight, at least at changi. it was really pretty nice, and i would have stopped to admire it all if i wasnt so scared that someone would kidnap me along that dark deserted path haha. east coast is rising in appeal to me, just that its damn far away.
tmr i get my first chance to watch a real surgery, probably the removal of a thyroglossal cyst. a pretty rare case apparantly, since these come in only once every 6 months. EXCITED heh. hope it lives up to my expectations though.

2008-04-27T21:08:00.006+08:00

ahh damn shag la. it was a full day of touch at smu touchdown 2008. excessive sun (very burnt and black now), sand (abrasions here and there) and dubious calls made, some by me i am ashamed to say haha. but then i think cannot help it la. cuz its impossible to catch every infringement going at that pace. even if you did catch them, you'd be interrupting the play so much that it'll be quite ridiculous. so i think as long as the uncertain calls are made equally for both teams, its not so bad haha. (this is how i make myself feel better heh.) but seriously its damn hard to ref beach touch you always get yelled at no matter what. oh wells worth it for $64!! :)

my fellow ref whos damn good at shutting pple up haha.
sweaty ms khooju-pa hahahah. seasoned with salt and sand yum yum(NOT).
and this is for stump. actually this is stump you see. stump's silhouette. theres this weird tuft of hair on her head though like shes sprouting roots hahaha. the only one that can fit on the shirt. other pple too long alr hahaha. sorry keep making fun of you la you know i love you! haha i will think of you everytime i use this.

heehee dont mind me. anw tmr i have a SEVEN THIRTY AM to FIVE PM day dammit. and gonna try clerking another case aft sch too. i should sleep now i'm extremely tired alr. and my body is currently a heat radiator sighh.
but things to look forward to next week:
tennis
maybe mambo?
hopefully another blading session

good enough to get me thru the week. :)

2008-04-26T17:33:00.020+08:00

i feel like a log haha. my sleep cycle is so screwed up its amazing. like a jet lag of 12hrs between weekdays and weekends. but nvm, all in the name of blading, good food, mahjong and good dessert. so much for eating like a bird la. more like an ostrich, or great eagle. i imagine they eat alot too given their size haha.

ANW, new blog skin to represent change. now that i know i've passed m2 (beams), it's time for a revamp of my attitude. although i know that if i say it like that, as if it's some new yrs resolution, it'll probably fall flat in awhile because it's simply too hard to make drastic changes immediately. so, i shall make it a progressive thing. i've yet to think it out though, and i'm lazy to explain my thought processes. actually i dont know why i'm blogging even because there's nth i want to say. or maybe there's nth constructive i feel like doing now that's why haha.
tmr's yet another beach touch comp. shall be reffing officially for the first time in ages, i hope they dont stress me out by playing really badly or disputing my calls. will have a go at another medal in the mixed open cat too. $480 worth of nike vouchers is very very tempting but i will try not to make winning the sole objective. FUN is the name of the game heh. damn i think i sound disjointed and pointless right now. nvm pictures of previous touch related events, to celebrate my favourite sport. :)

from ages ago, while still representing hwa chong.days of our not so nice jerseys haha.more recently, intrafac touch competition.hurhur.ivp 2008.
NTL 2007.and finally, a proper touch shoe that will soon be MINEEE. :)
how the f*** do i use this thing?
i don't know,
but just try it anyway.

2008-04-21T21:45:00.032+08:00

repeat after me: i am going to be a bird. i am going to be a bird. i am going to be a bird. hahaha in terms of the amount they eat i mean. no more finishing 2 chocolate bars at a go, or stuffing my face with decadent canele chocolate cakes and macarons (heavenly btw haha), or milky red and green bean desserts. instead i will have healthy yoghurt with oats, multigrain bread with turkey breast, or yong tau foo. and I WILL BE HAPPY ABOUT IT. at least i will try haha.
days have been good, because packed activity full days are good.
so, this shall be a colourful entry haha.

dessert with stump, because i cannot send her off tmr. :(
canele --> what's good enough for pierre herme is good enough for me! haha.
the famous macarons, in pistachio and hazelnut yumyum. bit different from the one i had in paris though.
thick chocolate cake that was too dry for stump's liking. but still good nonetheless haha.
playing with macarons, much to the amusement of others haha.

i'm sorry i cant be there to send you off tmr stump! you know that i want to haha. and no defu lane before you go too. :( but nvm i will make sure yuhui tells you all the good places to shop and eat at, and you can buy nice cheap things for me too haha. email more, or skype!! love yaaa and take care. :)

and more hospital things, of us in scrubs. i think i will like this after all haha. i want to live in these next time. they make me feel good. my CG pro siaaa haha.
okay kind of silly but i like the walkway effect haha. note my croc-like shoes, which were too small for me actually.

and on fri night, mich's party at butter where she arrived 2 hours LATE tsk. so we sat around on the see-saw and swings.
birthday(in2hrstime) girl. JOHN TAN.

one escape not present then, but still very much in our hearts and on our minds all the time.
GOING,

GOING,
GONE. hahaha.nice deco in butter.to dearest long john/michelle tan, may you have a wonderful 21st. i suppose ur party was alr highly memorable, or maybe you can barely remember anything haha. i still remember the birthday where we stripped and floured you and gave you a box to run abt hwa chong in. those were the days indeed, of chapteh and reading room nonsense. even though i don't talk to you often now, i hope you know that i'm always here should you need me. and its very nice to catch up with you, and update each other about our current status. i hope your status will stay this way for a long long time though, because you seem to be in bliss at last haha. hang in there for ur exams, and here's to a smooth sailing life and many more years of friendship. LOVESSSS. :)
(eee so mushy haha you better appreciate this.)

on to anne's birthday on sat, where i rushed to get a bunch of balloons to tie to her car. i really like this one haha.
after stuffing them in her car.

and then she treated us to a singapore flyer ride!! excitingggg haha. it's nice and romantic la.
this is around the top.
the roads look damn nice, awash with lights.

coming down not so exciting alr. esp cuz facing the sea now. i suppose it'll be better in the day cuz can look across the sea.

then cake time with a surprisingly good hans chocolate cake.
surprised with the balloons and vouchers!
sunday got woken up by my brother who was FINALLY free to go blading with me. so we seized the opportunity to go east coast. 4km along east coast, then 7km to changi beach park, 4km along changi beach, 5km to bedok resevoir park, and about another 15km more along other park connectors back to east coast. apart from the heat and numerous abrasions, we had lots of fun. of course we took breaks for drinks and plasters and ice creams haha. so about 4 hours in total. now my adductor muscles ache haha. but i cant wait to do it again, this fri or sat maybe? :)
ride back top down. good brother-sister bonding indeed. too bad it only happens when his gf abandons him for the day haha.
tmr is ortho posting, 8.30-4. will start my bird routine, with toki tima match at yck in the evening. please please dont rain haha i'm really looking forward to this. :)

seems like deep down i'm a bimbo, because the words are in rainbow gradients haha. song of the moment:
everything you ever wanted from this life is gonna happen right now
oooh those loves turn to highs
and the temperatures rise
better reach for the skies
and raise up the ceiling.

because there ain't no party like the party going on in my house
better believe that it's gonna be the biggest night of the year
because there ain't no party like the party going on in my house
but it would be so much better if you were only here
if only you were here.

2008-04-18T20:29:00.003+08:00

i've been requested to make an entry that isnt depressing or melancholy so here goes my attempt at the superficial. more for remembering that things do turn out okay, no matter how bad you think they will be, because we can never predict how things will turn out. which is why looking forward to things too much is bad, cuz there's a higher chance that you'll be let down.

so two 8am-6pm days in the hospital have passed, punctuated by 2 hr lunch breaks that could've been longer just that we were pressured to be hardworking and clerk more patients. so many things i've heard from various consultants, registrars, m3s. probably the only thing that is common to the advice is that there's a long LONG way to go and we never stop learning. we never stop being the most junior pple in the ward, we never stop observing. some say that we're just starting out and we should go slow, get a feel of things. at the same time, we're told to do as much as we can, finish reading impossibly thick textbooks, and then read them again. so obviously theres the bare minimum we can do now to pass this course, and there's the other extreme of pushing the limits to set a good foundation. what i wish our mentor had told us is what is reasonable. what will make us knowledgeable enough to enter proper postings as useful contributors to the wards, yet keep us sane, considering that other people are starting their 4 month long holidays now and we should rightfully be having ours now too.

then there's that apprehension about approaching patients, not knowing the right thing to say, because i admit that i'm not the outgoing sort. i'm gonna need more time and effort to get good at this, and i'm gonna need help with my chinese too haha. i've whined enough about this to some people, all that remains is to continue trying and developing a thicker skin. it's harder than you think to go up to a random stranger, who is in a foreign and scary place for him, and start probing for his most intimate details. i mean this both mentally and physically. everytime i sit and think that perhaps theres nothing intimidating about that, and that i have nothing to lose by just trying. the moment i'm approaching a patient though, i start to mildly panic. sure i can do it if i'm forced to, but i don't like it. worst of all, i hate that i don't like it.

and so i try, i really do. the good thing is, i think it gets better every day. every day i manage to talk to someone i feel good about it. i feel good about remembering the small things that are important in talking to patients, and noticing small things like how the mother of a sick child is pregnant, or for picking up that a little girl who refused to say much actually had type I diabetes. important considering we nearly wanted to bring her a chocolate bar which would have put her right back into the ketoacidosis she was warded for. all these small things make me feel that i'm worthy of being in the wards, where we walk around with the power to talk to any patient we want and look at their files. baby steps in the long journey.

then apart from the soft skills, theres the actual studying and learning of the thousand and one things. actually not thousand, but infinite, because we could spend a whole 24 hours talking about the examination, pathology and management of a patient, and still not be done. dr lau was right in repeatedly saying that medicine in interesting, because i think thats a gross understatement. 20 years down the road, i think i'll be like him still, saying in that awestruck voice that medicine is interesting, because it truly is. but the downside of that is that we have to know all that, and know it well to be able to do our job well. just 3 days and my stack of notecards has been filled by practically illegible scribblings that i'm supposed to read up on and write down properly, but obviously i havent due to the numerous other time fillers ie touch and mj and brain game and friends haha.

already i'm morphing into more doctor-like material. don't laugh and say that its only been 3 days, how can i possibly change. wait till you survive more than 48 hours on 3 hours of sleep, and feel the pain in my feet from standing and walking all day. perhaps it will only get worse, but i'm glad simply because i dont dread it like i used to anymore. :)

words to remember and laugh at:
"GOD knows."
"doesn't matter what you have"
"the seed and the soil"
"benign sexual headache" and "if you have it multiple times after that the pain goes away"
"why are you all thrombosing the walkway"
doesnt matter if these dont mean anything to you, just know that most doctors are quirky with a strange sense of humour and several pet phrases and habits.

ahh it's like being pushed into the deep end of the ocean with scuba diving gear and no license. first you flounder and struggle to master the equipment but if you finally get it you look around and discover the colourful and unexplored marine life below. sure theres the risk of drowning but ur generally safer than you think and the view might just be worth it.

2008-04-12T22:08:00.002+08:00

sometimes you need a jolt to put things back into perspective. because life is hard, its like stumbling around drunk and your world is spinning and certain things feel like the most important things in the world. you let them consume you, when in reality they mean nothing at all, not really. so when you finally get that slap in your face, or the cold water splashed on you, your priorities right themselves and you focus on the things you ought to. too bad feeling all high and dizzy is nice too and i never stick to the righted world for too long, no matter how much i know i should.

i should:
remember that i have more than enough things to be grateful for
never let anyone make me feel smaller than i am
treasure the people around me
take my time and enjoy things as they come
go to church

i really should. but these are things i tell myself time and again, until they just become things i tell myself time and again. maybe i need that seismic shift to make me learn, but i'm way too scared to find out what that would cost me.

on a lighter note, i'm finally going to buy clinical clothes tmr. on the very last day possible. i guess i wasnt looking forward to it too much. i might even have dreaded it, because it feels like i'm starting down a path that i have to stick to for the rest of my life and i guess i'm apprehensive. but since i discovered something awhile ago, i somehow want to do this more (this meaning venturing into the hospitals proper). cliched as this may sound, i want to learn i want to make a difference, i want to help. perhaps delayed reaction there but as they say, better late than never.

2008-04-12T00:32:00.004+08:00

i keep thinking about the law of averages, or whatever its called. the theory that good comes with an equal amount of bad, where down's the only way to go if you're at the peak.
because i think i've been having it pretty good all my life. not perfect for sure, because nothing's perfect, but certainly above average. so i keep worrying about when smth bad will happen. for sure, what goes around comes around. i even think i DESERVE trouble and anguish.
or maybe this is as bad as it gets already. i feel as though i'm waiting for something to happen, the major event thats gonna change my life forever. i've probably been reading too many books. i say this because books focus on a major event or time period in the protagonist's life, and it makes me wish that smth like that was happening to me too. but it's completely unrealistic because the likelihood that the major event will happen within these few weeks as opposed to some other time in my entire life is pretty small. IF there's even gonna be a major event. maybe we all go through life looking for that one event but only a handful of us get it, while the rest just have several significant episodes that don't quite match up.
so i am floating around trying to find joy in every day, trying to fill up the hours so that i won't keep thinking about how empty the future is. bright, but empty. give me a choice between being wildly successful in my future career, and being emotionally satisfied, i think i'd pick the latter. or maybe i'm saying this now because i'm just bored. they say that being with someone shouldnt complete you. you should be whole and happy before you even consider getting someone, but i cannot for the life of me see how that works. at risk of sounding totally pathetic, i think i need someone to complete my happiness. just that 10% more to reach 100%. i could be a romantic, i could be a fool.

"hope was a pathological part of puberty, like acne and surging hormones. you might sound cynical to the world, but that was just a defence mechanism, cover-up coating a zit, because it was too embarrassing to admit that in spite of the bum deals you kept getting, you hadn't completely given up."

back to the topic about deserving some pain, i guess i think i've been having it too easy, too good. never having to really fight for what i wanted, most of the time it's just handed to me just the way i like. i called the shots, and maybe now its backfiring. if so then maybe i should just be stoic about it, because if it's down now, it's bound to go up again. my luck will return, and things will turn out right again.
meanwhile i shall settle in between sadness and happiness, letting things around me pull me transiently in either direction. i dont like being in this position though, because it means my moods fluctuate too easily for my liking. i could try to be happy, but sometimes i dont see the point in deceiving myself. why be happy if there's nothing really to be happy about? then again i've probably come to expect too much, because it's been too good.

so really, i'm back to square one.

2008-04-06T00:04:00.004+08:00

yesterday someone said "loneliness is beautiful" and according to stump i gave a classic absolutely bewildered like wth are you talking about look.
today i felt some strange urge to walk home from orchard after a wonderful night out. yes, alone. and i thought about it, among many other things.
there was this one time i tried out a personality quiz thingy and out of 9 different pictures of places i'd choose to visit, i picked one that showed a dark, desolate place. there was ice and snow everywhere and the moon was out, bathing everything in a frosty pale blue. then the analysis thing said that very few pple chose that and i can understand why. why pick something that looks downright depressing when there are other pictures of sunny beaches and green rolling hills. i guess very few people will see it my way.
i imagined myself standing in the middle of that, in virtual silence. the cold permeates my clothes, just enough to keep me feeling awake and alive, while the same scene stretches out for miles in all directions. and i am completely alone in that world. just me and the stars and my thoughts and all that i believe in. i thought maybe in somewhere so different, so mystical, i will feel so different that i truly become a different person. (haha this is so hard to put down in words, but i will continue cuz it doesnt really matter if you get it or not.)
to me, that scene metaphorizes(?) loneliness. scary, chilling, but oh so beautiful. it's like how some people may prefer night to day, when everything is quiet and still for once and it's easy to find yourself alone.
or maybe night is only beautiful when there is the promise of the light of day. after all, living in darkness forever is a dreadful thought. likewise, maybe loneliness is only beautiful when you are sure that someday it will be replaced by something else. cause hell, no one can live alone.

so when i'm sort of done appreciating the night, i can only hope that dawn will follow.

2008-01-04T15:38:00.001+08:00

WHAT IF LOVE IS ONLY A FEELING.

'cause you came at a time
when the pursuit of one true love in which to fall
was the be-all and end-all.
love is only a feeling
drifting away
when i'm in your arms i start believing
it's here to stay
but love is only a feeling
anyway.

what if, despite all the grandeurs of love, how people celebrate it the world over, the emphasis placed on it, love is just another feeling. like happiness, sadness, elation, boredom. a feeling that you get when you see a person, a feeling that can't last forever, because thats what feelings are. they come and go.

and science supports this view, because the attraction and light-headedness that constitutes the feeling of love all boils down to a chemical reaction in the brain. or because pheramones are supposed to determine attraction to one another, and these unconscious smells we emit are based on genetics. is love then just a pairing determined since the day you were conceived? how terribly unromantic.

then one would go on to argue that love isnt just attraction, but the companionship factor as well. if you take the attraction out, all thats left is a friend so whats the difference?

all this cynicism about love isnt helping. maybe i just wasnt cut out for it, not the way you'd like. i dont know what to think, i dont know what to feel. i'm sorry but this is draining me.

2008-01-01T21:05:00.000+08:00

may 2008 be a year of less depressing episodes. less futile thinking, less regrets, less fear of the unknown.

more love, more new people, more new experiences. more doing what i should, more knowing what to do, more faith.

forgiveness.

i want to walk away from 2007 remembering all the good parts, and learning from the bad ones.

who am i to even ask.

but already, this year's off to a bad start.

what am i to do?

2007-12-28T18:44:00.000+08:00

oh the guilt.

been doing things that do not involve staphyloccocus aureus or listeria monocytogenes or actinomyces israelii and that is very very bad. (actually since they're normal flora anything i do sort of involves them, but lets not be too geeky now heh.)

so this is what i do to make myself feel better:

kim. says: eh do you find bacteria damn hard?
kim. says: i need reassurance
kim. says: i think i cant remm everything
yu hui says: haha NO LIKE DAMN EZ LA PLS
kim. says: HAHAHA
kim. says: reassure me la!!

didnt really work, but at least my new wallet which matches my new phone makes life alot brighter haha. after days of wasted(maybe not) time playing lots of mahjong and shopping and doing useless things, i have decided to start studying proper. just ONE WEEK. i will start promptly at 7 ie 10 mins time. or maybe when i'm done with this heh.

exciting things that made christmas seem more like christmas:
ESCAPES christmas gathering!!

my brother's nice office. i wanna redo my room like that heh.
first things first, FOOD.

lydia's and mong's punishment for not wearing dresses: carol over the noise of the rest of us playing mj haha.
present time!

stump with her VERY USEFUL gift of an orange peeler. where would we be without ingenious contraptions like that. wonders haha.

couple photo heh.

boxing day NUS touch gathering to welcome xt back and send huimin off!

pizza making at derel's house!

tastes way better than it looks haha.
small face yuan.
big face yuan!

secret santa/gift snatching
the gift i snatched from lydia haha. there are no friends in this game-her words just before the game started haha.

and from my dear generous brother. :)

okay from this moment, fun and festivities are officially over.

:(

2007-12-24T15:38:00.000+08:00

simply because it's christmas, and it's supposed to be something special,

i want to say: i've missed you.

although without the present buying, the people and the parties, this holiday season doesnt seem to be any different from normal days. it should, it really should, but it doesnt. maybe you're supposed to get the true meaning when you've stripped away all the pretty, fun bits that shroud the day, but i dont feel a thing.
i guess i'm missing something.

(missing as in, missing the point. but maybe that's just what i choose to think.)

2007-12-10T11:13:00.000+08:00

this is the morning after zoukout, because i slept away the whole of sunday. how excitement jumps several notches when faced with crowds and a whole lot of alcohol. thanks to kenneth for his car as a locker and storage place for the drinks!

and because we were all nicely high fairly quickly, i don't have many details about the night. except several interesting things here and there, like some drunk ang moh running up the euroslide butt naked. SO, pictures.

friends,

a little bit of kissing,

a little more alcohol,
and a whole lot more of dancing,

plus some rest in between.

all till the sun started coming up.

and still the lights kept on shining.

cheers to a great night, and morning. :)

2007-11-29T22:15:00.000+08:00

i dont like myself. not very much, alot of the time.

i think i ask for too much.

or maybe not. maybe these things are just not meant for me.

it's not fair.

i am stuck in a rut i cannot get out of. i thought i'd finally freed myself, but looks like i was wrong. looks like i'll always be deep dark and twisty. why do i do this to myself why why why. i wish i could lie down and sleep for a long time. i'm tired of having to deal with this world.

it's down to this
i've got to make this life make sense
can anyone tell what i've done
i miss the life
i miss the colours of the world
can anyone tell me where i am

cause now again i've found myself
so far down, away from the sun
that shines into the darkest place
i'm so far down, away from the sun again
away from the sun again

i'm over this
i'm tired of living in the dark
can anyone see me down here
the feeling's gone
there's nothing left to lift me up
back into the world i know

and now again i've found myself
so far down, away from the sun
that shines into the darkest place
i'm so far down, away from the sun
that shines to light the way for me
to find my way back into the arms
that care about the ones like me
i'm so far down, away from the sun again.

2007-11-24T10:59:00.000+08:00

i am caring less and less. i am giving up. i am not willing to push myself harder to try and maintain the results i used to get.

i will ignore it when people say that i will do terrifically well. i will not listen when they say i study alot, because only i know how much effort i put in.

i know i can push harder, not by spending more time studying, but by actually wanting to remember things. right now, i'm just lazy.

i will have to decide if i'm content with things this way. i loathe to set any targets for myself, for fear that if i fall short, i will lose the confidence i have in myself. so, i tell myself not to have any expectations, but i do anyway.

perhaps i started too early, so i'm bored to bits now, burnout they call it. it's pretty bad. not like i remember what i read ages ago anyway. ugh this is such a boring post its meant for my eyes only. to remind me a week later, that my will to get things done, is the most important factor.

so i will get through these 2 days and try my best to motivate myself, take the papers on monday and hope for the best, and start on a clean slate soon.

expectations, perfectionism, competitiveness, go to hell.

2007-11-21T23:52:00.001+08:00

since the neuro paper is on friday, i have another neuro analogy about myself. even if you couldnt care less about me, take it as a lesson in neuroscience, which is pretty cool if you dont have to memorise long names like dorsal column medial lemniscus pathway.

ALLODYNIA
situation in which non-noxious stimuli ie touch, causes pain.

under persistant strong stimulation (me in a lousy mood because of a whole day of studying for example), wide dynamic range(WDR) neurons of the spinal cord change such that they are now able to be stimulated by non-noxious stimuli like touch (anyone who does anything that i just cant stand at that point in time. these things arent even a legitimate cause of distress.) under normal circumstances, WDR neurons never respond to noxious stimuli. (if i were rational these things wouldnt even bother me in the least.)

point is, this is a problem of the CNS (me) not the non-noxious stimuli(other people). so do pardon me.

this is how sick i am of studying, and how much of a nerd i've become. i hope i dont keep coming up with analogies like that for the rest of my life. it reeks of.. no life.

on another note, i want. so many things. some things i cant have, ever. some things i cant have, now. some things are there for my taking, i dont know why i'm not going for them. i want for people to read my mind, for things to happen exactly the way i envision them. i am being completely ridiculous here i know, for no one knows what's going through my mind, except me. still, i will not ask i will not beg i will not hint i will not suggest. because otherwise it defeats the purpose and i just feel so damn demanding and what if i just made you do something you didnt really want to do for me but you were just inclined to because its only polite?

to my friend, who thinks he knows what i am talking about sometimes: my posts might not be as direct as yours, but sometimes what i say is only about this, or that, or whatever, too. :)
thus the second lesson my friends, don't read too much into what i say, its just my excess thoughts at the end of the day, when i am not too coherent.

2007-11-20T23:24:00.000+08:00

i hate guessing and speculating and not knowing for sure.

you ponder, and wonder, and your mind oscillates between the possibilities. you calculate risks and weigh pros and cons, and still you are left with no real answer. even if one possibility seems more likely than the other, there's always that what if. that one in a million. and so, you let it consume your mind.

and hoping. hoping is worse. because there's that element of wanting a particular outcome. if what you hope for seems totally impossible, you will still harbour that little bit of hope. you know, just in case. and the worst? it's when what you hope for seems like a near certainty, then bam the whole thing suddenly flips over and whacks you square on the back of your head.
that has got to hurt.

but pandora's box, remember. for where would the world be without that bit of hope?

(i actually did some research on wikipedia in case i remembered the story wrongly. the interpretations of hope being trapped in the box are rather interesting. i chose the optimistic version, which is apparantly also the one most commonly used. fascinating.)

2007-11-20T00:23:00.000+08:00

do i need to go to extremes to make you care about me. to make you notice me. how loud do i need to cry out for you to realise that i need you to be there for me. just because i look fine, i tell you i'm fine doesnt mean i am. even if i tell you to go away, don't.

stay with me.

i wish you were around more often. i just want your physical presence. ironic how the only people that will always be around, are never around. this matters more than you think it does, i guess we never know till its well and truly gone.

i am such a little girl, sometimes.

2007-11-19T23:59:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wanna say: fuck it/you/her/him.

but i dont.

i think it sounds too harsh, coming from me.

but sometimes, just SOMETIMES, its appropriate.

like now.

fuck it.

but i cant.

words are empty, thoughts are useless, promises fleeting. it's blood i'm after.

2007-11-16T22:40:00.000+08:00

worry the worm
is crawling in my head
gnawing at neurons
how i wish it were DEAD.

haha i am in a surprisingly alright mood now, i just need to stop thinking. and STUDY.
to brighten up my weekend i shall:
1) try and take my bro's bmw out for a spin, top down, minus P plates :) (yes, i now drive without a P plate, everyone beware haha.)
2) get my rollerblades out of the boot of my car and blade around nus late late at night, just cuz i can.
3) umm.

ahh the small things i have to resort to, amidst this drudgery.

AND i need more moneyyyy. esp after the tragic incident involving my bedcovers. i WANT nice white earphones. i NEED nice white earphones.

everybody wants to live
how they wanna live
everybody wants to love
like they wanna love
and everybody wants to be
closer to free.

2007-11-13T01:52:00.000+08:00

once, i cried because i was so happy. tears of sadness, everyones done that. this was totally different.

twice, i've felt so contented with the world it was mind-blowing exhilarating breath-taking. oh sure i feel happy and satisfied often enough, but the magnitude? nowhere near.

last time, i could sit and imagine heaven, and for a fleeting moment, i'd get a tingly feeling imagining an eternity of happiness. i'd imagine myself swimming in the crystal clear waters of a river, and not fearing that the good times would end. ever since i turned 12, try as i might, i've never been able to conjure up the same amazing high anymore.

before, death never scared me. i was pretty convinced that i was headed for a better place, nth really in this world i would miss. right now, i'm not so sure that's where i'm going. i want more than anything, to be assured.

i don't want to sleep now i want to think. i want to feel the way i did before.

well i finally read the good book
and i took a good long hard look
at what i'd do if i could do it all over again

and then
i went sky diving
i went rocky mountain climbing
i went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and i loved deeper and i spoke sweeter
and i gave forgiveness i'd been denying
and he said someday i hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying

like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
what'd you do with it what did you do with it
what did i do with it
what would i do with it

morbid as it may seem, i think i should do just that.
no fears, no regrets.

2007-11-11T17:46:00.000+08:00

i am histamine
find yourself flushed
and breathless
but watch out
for i potentiate pain.

i am enkephalin
to modulate that pain
but you go into shock
not feeling a thing
while your systems shut down.

i am morphine
to make you forget everything else
addictive
but stick around too long
and the side effects kick in.

i could be useful,
i could be terrible.

omg i sound SO screwed up like i'm trying to scare everyone away. i'm okay. i'm really not weird, most of the time.
i'm okay.
pain modulation and opoids are getting to me.

2007-11-11T15:58:00.000+08:00

consumed whole by guilt and fear.

it's coming to get me i need to run.

So you wake up. and you learn that we all have differences (Yes!) You learn we all have similarities (Right!) You learn to stop lumping everybody in the world into two seperate categories, or three, or four, or any at all (Finally!) And you learn to stop beating yourself over the head for things that weren't
wrong in the first place.
And one day when you're out in the world running, feet flying dogs barking smiles grinning, you'll hear those immortal words calling, calling inside your head Oh you run like a girl
and you will say shout scream whisper call back Yes. What exactly did you think i was?
- nike ad from an old old mag, makes me want to run. away.

2007-11-11T13:53:00.000+08:00

it's like i cant stop i cant pull myself away and turn back although i think i know where this is going and i am just going further and further into the deep dark rabbit hole where it twists and turns and i can never find the way to the light of day again. the little firefly leads me deeper into the ground and i follow, willingly.

regret because i am so not ready for any of this. it's baseline stimulation so far, slowly building up and one day i believe it will hit threshold and all the channels will open at once and flood me with an electrical current so strong i fear permanant damage. and still i venture further, willingly.

i hate that i cannot trust in permanance, in forever. oh i wish i could give it my all but no one can convince me that things are never gonna change. and so i hold back, and people hurt. i doubt, and i hurt. i wanna live in the here and now but i cant, i think too much. i want to twist situations, alas, i am not kimpossible. i want things that i cannot have, and i wallow in longing, willingly.

i wonder if i said things i shouldnt have said, did things i shouldnt have done. more than a tad foolish, because like it or not, i affect people. and because i cannot detach myself, these people 's feelings become extensions of my worry. i should have been wiser, should have thought more, but i plod on recklessly. somethings we never give up, some things we never forget, and these memories and feelings that persist into eternity are the worst ones to be feared. like the grudge that you never lose sight of, or the love you never gave up on, or the experiences that continue to recur in nightmares.

my thoughts they are random, they are disjointed, they reek of misery and desolation. what i would do for myself not to be such an open book. the smallest triggers, like a few well phrased sentences, or the stillness and silence of an empty home. i wonder if i'm intrinsically depressed and when i'm around people i moderate myself to be more normal. talk of masks and facades, i dont think i wanna repeat what others have said.

yet i repeat myself over and over again, my world now revolves around the same few things. i get sick of thinking about the same things, writing about the same things, just like you would reading and hearing about the same things. maybe we should just both give up, don't you think things would be easier that way? but while you will move on to the next more interesting thing in your life, i linger here, because my thoughts are all i have now and they refuse to leave, like the devil's grip (not bornholm's).

and then its not so bad. i think, if i were starving, homeless, needy, these would be the last things on my mind. so should i be thankful that this is all that troubles me? the misery of having. its like how obesity is replacing starvation in the developed world. one problem for another. you'd think one is more easily controlled than the other, but if it were that easy, would it still be a problem?

this is so narcissistic, making everything about me. most of the time, i think about me, i worry about my problems. i even like to hear about me, but i suspect that i'm not the only one. you know you listen to songs, and you relate it to yourself and your problems? we particularly like it when it strikes a chord with what's been on our minds. that's the way it is, thats the way it works. but i dont like it sometimes, it makes me feel all small and petty.

this is turning out to be worse than i expected it to be. all the negativity is pouring out now and instead of studying i am going on and on and on about mazes and tunnels. i know i'm venturing into one now and still i go willingly.

mazes: one way in, one endpoint, one way out. i've gone in, i cant find the point, i refuse to get out and so i wander through the passages like how my thought processes run. they get stopped in dead ends and make wrong turns again and again and somehow i never learn. even if i wanted to get out, i probably cant find the way, but the worst part is, i do it all so willingly.

the reason i keep harping on willingly is because i just recently realised that i have control over myself. that sounds like the lamest thing to realise but how often do we do things against our better judgement? i often know what i'm doing is not good, but yet i do it and i dont understand why. i am willing without a good reason and maybe thats the stupidest thing ever because we should all do things for a reason. a good one.

which brings me to the point about judgements and reasoning. we don't, i don't trust anyone's judgement fully, not even my own. because reasoning and logic has its limits. love, i think, is logic-less. but i havent have had the good/bad fortune of falling so deep that logic is beyond me. and so i reason with myself, and i am practical. this is what i tell myself, and then the foolish, willing, me eschews all prior logic to do the exact opposite.

i am unwillingly willing.
(this makes complete sense to me now)

i hate, and i think i love.

i think, but i want to forget.

i consider positives, then i dwell on negatives.

i fear, that i seem brave.

i doubt, if i can trust.

i will, once i've thought of a good reason.

this is amazing i've never written so much before i think. this is pathetic too, i sound pathetic.

i am contradictory.

2007-11-11T03:11:00.000+08:00

because i am inspired.
because i am empowered.
because i am changed, forever.

tis true, i am different this year. yeah we all go through changes, maybe its only normal and i'm just more perceptive now to notice these changes. today i realised that it's gonna be a new year soon, its probably too soon to start reflecting on this year, but who cares right.

it feels like a long year, so long that south africa at the start of the year doesnt feel like it belongs in this year at all, if you get what i mean. so began the series of eye-opening trips and experiences that have culminated in this post.

world cup. sobering, enlightening, saddening, i'm glad i had the chance to go. touch confidence was at its lowest ever. in retrospect, i think i never did really ENJOY the trip. sure it was fantastic and great fun, but i regret not letting every single day there have its full impact on me. most of the time, i just wanted to see what else was on offer to me, never stopping to enjoy that moment, that particular place. there's something i need to learn even now, i'm looking forward to that change.

1st professional mbbs exams. came and went, i made it through unscathed. better than that even, and it reassured me that i was settling in well in medicine. problem is, i dont want to settle for anything less now, and sometimes the pressure gets to me. that's one thing i doubt will ever change.

eurotrip. set foot in that continent for the first time in my life, and i have to say it was amazing. i tried things that i have never done before, and i dont regret a single thing. i think i lightened up on the trip, showed more of who i really am.

touch. leadership beckoned, and i've never been particularly attracted to it. but still, with some persuasion i decided to just try. this is what i would call stepping out of my comfort zone, and right from the start i wasnt comfortable. countless times i dreaded training, something i've never had to do. trying to be more assertive, more vocal, more fierce, all while protesting i just couldnt do it, whining about it, generally kicking up a fuss. i agreed to things that i didnt want to agree to, and its made me a better person. as a player, i think i reached new heights. didnt need people to tell me that i was playing better than i've ever played before. it's been good, but too much, right now i just want a good long break.

love. i've never been public about my feelings, i'm not likely to start now. i figure if you even care to know about what my feelings are on this aspect of my life, you'd already know what they are. if i wrote here i'd probably be too cryptic anyway.

in many ways, i am still the partner that you had. but what you had was not everything you wanted or expected, and what i'd like to say is, i realise that now. doyou know that i can never entirely be? would it still be my fault? i dont need this answered, i just wanted you to know what i think.

moving away from specifics, i'd go so far as to say that not only have i grown this year, i'm blossoming as well. in a way. not so much looking better or whatever, but discovering what works for me, being more comfortable in my own skin. i found out things about myself i never knew about, or just didnt allow myself to realise. it's good to feel that its an ongoing process, my prime awaits.

i'm thankful to those that have made these changes possible, helped me along the way, whether knowingly or unknowingly. i'm sorry to those that have had to bear the brunt of the transition, for my indecision and my needs. i need this time to take off and soar, please do help me.

as i write this, i am neither optimistic nor pessimistic, i just am. what i was at the start of the year, isn't exactly the same as what i am now. despite all the downs, this year's been good to the me as a developing and independent individual. which is good, because i stand alone.

therefore i am more confident
therefore i am more sure of what i want from myself and from others
therefore i am a brighter being, it is a star that lights me.

2007-11-09T15:58:00.000+08:00

so many places to be.

but so many things here to do.

what do stars do?
they shine.

2007-10-29T22:36:00.000+08:00

and while i'm in the mood (and because studying is killing me), bits of whats been going on.

everybody loves fifi huh.
the successful nus touch carnival 2007 FINALLY.
and ages ago, my birthday.
MAF 2007
self explanatory.

and bangkok.wayyy before: DnD 2007

a little happy song, bubbling with hope.

my head is a box full of nothing
and that's the way i like it
my garden's a secret compartment
and that's the way i like it

so please
baby please
open your heart
catch my disease.

2007-10-28T18:19:00.000+08:00

damn pride.

it stops us from doing what we really want to, from showing how we truly feel. because if you risk opening yourself up to people, you become very vulnerable. and should that vulnerability result in you losing what you have, at least you still have that shred of dignity left. but what's that worth? maybe from the outside, people can't tell how much you've been affected, but deep down, the facade does zilch to alleviate the pain.

and so we go about our own thing, and even if it hurts inside, we don't reach out to those around us for help. not because we know they won't care, but because of this damned pride and inertia. maybe also the fact that sometimes not everyone can help, no matter how much they want to.

i havent done this for ages, not for the lack of things happening, because my world has seen quantum shifts of late. lifes been a roller coaster, sometimes i wanna get off and get on steady ground but something keeps me hanging in there for dear life.

i hate the way i've been feeling recently. sometimes everything is alright and life seems complete and sometimes i'm so angry i need someone to blame for it all. i suspect thats not a very abnormal thing for people, to experience changes in moods, but then if thats the case, why do i feel so alone in this.

and in the lousy states, i veer between feeling sad, then angry with people, then angry at myself for kicking up such a fuss when its really NO BIG DEAL. right now i'm in the angry phase and i just want to type out all the vulgarities but then i know theres no point because the next second i will just press backspace because i think i'm being overly dramatic. it's like i'm psycho or something but then i know i'm not because no real psycho thinks that they are.

i believe i sound quite unbalanced though, maybe confused, but tmr i will go to school and everything will be as it normally is, i will smile and laugh and today might be forgotten.

problem is, there are more "today"s than i would like, and even though i've for a moment relinquished my pride in these few paragraphs, in hope that they may be prevented, the truth is: NO ONE CAN DO A THING TO STOP IT. or they could, but either they dont know, cant help, or just dont care enough.

so i dont know why i even whine.

cause you wrote my name across your hand
when i freak you understand
there is not a thing you miss
and i could get used to this.

i'm feeling it comin over me
with you it all comes naturally
lost the reflex to resist
and i could get used to this.

i want this.

2007-08-23T17:02:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUHUI!!
dinner was at wild rocket on mount emily(hehheh private joke). nice posh-ish place with pretty good food and even better company. ambience was really nice too we could talk and laugh without worrying about disturbing other diners and yet it wasn't too noisy.

ooh such fun with the 3 of them i dunno how i'd survive sch without you guys heh. many many more pictures once i get them from desiree, including those of mambo afterwards. things to make bernice WISH she'd stayed on haha.

today on the actual date of 23 august 2007 she got a nice surprise in the form of kaya cake and 2 good friends.

too windy for the candles heh.

ending off with the birthday girl again. may you get whatever you wished for, and more! haha that rhymed. love you hope you had a great time. :D

2007-08-12T22:43:00.000+08:00

nocturnal activities.

national day fireworks from cach's house.minus lydia who was home sick.
xueting's birthday dinner at fort canning.

brother's birthday dinner at sushi tei.
my family
the idiot of a birthday boy.

as you can tell, not up for many words tonight.

2007-08-05T13:36:00.000+08:00

oh the agony of being a pessimist.

it's not easy to try to treasure a high while believing that once you're there things can only go down from then on.
it's not easy looking forward to the next exciting event in life, yet dreading it cuz once it's over its back to the same mundane things.
it's not easy to believe that love never lasts, at least not the romantic kind.

whatever it is, you always anticipate the fallout, and that's where it gets depressing.

thing is, the world doesnt seem to offer much to promote optimism either. all around i see people breaking up, unrequited love. i see people who are married but dont talk to each other. i hear hurtful things being said. maybe its cuz i choose to see the glass half empty. (i don't really see how this question reflects on optimism though. i mean it really depends on circumstances doesnt it. if i had to wash the glass, i'd obviously view it as half full so that i'd have an excuse to leave the glass there. if i was thirsty, i'm view it as half empty cuz there's not enough to quench my thirst. although i have a feeling i'm just talking rubbish and thats not really the point of the question but i cant really figure out how to view the damn glass.)

anyway.
one day, someway, somehow, someone's gonna get hurt. that's what i think. you're welcome to your own opinion, you're even welcome to change mine, cuz like i said, it's not easy being a pessimist.

the grey ceiling on the earth
well it's lasted for awhile
take my thoughts for what they're worth
i've been acting like a child
in your opinion, what is that
it's just a different point of view.

2007-08-02T15:49:00.001+08:00

BIRTHDAYS AND BOOZE

birthday girls one and two: bernice and grace!
location: fish and co glass house
dinner at fish and co, complete with standing on the chair and the weird birthday song sung by the staff.
haha their kiddy cake was damn cute though. its like pikachu decided to sail away with spiderman and doraemon and hamtaro.
bernices tongue is impossibly short. can you see her straining to reach the cherry haha.
done in by a bottle of corona extra
nanyang girlsss. come a long way from our little white uniforms i must say.

birthday girl number three: kristy
location: zouk
theme was some bruce lee movie that i've never heard of before. which meant we had to have either one of these:
a) cheongsam
b) mandarin collar
c) pigtails
despite going to chinatown to search for smth appropriate, i couldnt find smth nice and cheap enough so i just chose my most oriental looking top.

this is the birthday girl. clearly adhering to her own rules. she actually put wires in her braids to keep them sticking up haha. hot stuffff.
me and her! btw its the angle that makes my arm look huge. i hope.
crazy fun.
i dunno whats going on here haha.

wantoksss. <3

pity some phones got lost/stolen along the course of the night. marred what wouldve been one of the best few nights in zouk.

2007-07-15T15:25:00.000+08:00

ooh it's been ages since i've been here. here meaning many things. touch season's starting soon, school's starting soon (although i have no idea when), and while almost all's been fun and good recently i cant seem to shake off this niggling sensation that something's not right.

i have an idea of what it is but i refuse to admit it to anyone, even myself. seems like the mere thought of it will make it come true, or make things worse. and i wonder if it's my fault, or the other's, or simply just a natural progression that cannot be avoided. part and parcel of growing up is what my mom would call it. i want to do something about it, but it's just too hard for me and i end up doing what i always do: procrastinate. until it's too late.

this is when the sadness and fear kicks in and i push the ugly thoughts away and dwell on something else instead. it's also when i choose to change the topic and talk about my trips overseas perhaps.

because it's been nearly 2 months since i got back from europe, maybe some pictures are due heh.

(okay i started out from the back, thinking i could finish putting up all the photos i want, but halfway thru disneyland i decided that its impossible to do it in one sitting. therefore, pictures do not start from the start of the trip haha. it's really tough to pick photos to put up though. so many to choose from, so many memories from each. i shouldve done city by city, but i dont think i would have finished that either. these arent the prettiest photos i have in my collection, but i like them alot anyhow cuz they have special significance, or i think they're just plain funny.)

ANYWAY, here goes.

PARIS
DISNEYLAND
this is part of the parade we caught. i bid one spades haha.
another float. hakuna matata i say.

this photo was taken for the benefit of shan and addy whose birthdays i missed while i was in europe. sorry and i hope you had great ones!! the hat says happy birthday and actually sings the song if you press a button. i wanted to take a video of it singing but no memory space haha.

are you MAN or MOUSE. hahaha.

TOP OF THE EIFFEL TOWER
spectacular. freezing. spectacularly freezing.

this is a macaroon. a bloody expensive piece of confectionary. we were so broke we bought one to share btw FOUR people. ahh but it was damn good.

yuhui clearly likes us very much heh.

LOUVRE
this is one statue of ramses.

this is 4 statues of ramses hahaha.
MONTMARDE
enjoying a nice meal in paris, one of my best in europe.

AMSTERDAM
what i like about amsterdam: blue skies and cycling

yep i went in. there were some VERY disturbing things inside hehheh.

i like the kopi at this kopitiam hahaha.

pretty canals everywhere.

i amsterdam.

boat ride down the canals!

clubbing at amsterdamned heh. shot time! guess who's high already? hahaha.

CYCLING TRIP OUT TO COUNTRYSIDE
if i die here can i please be allowed to stay? please? ( btw, i am NOT hungover. really.)
we went cycling in the countryside. classic holland, pretty pretty.shoes for the kah (chng) haha.
tammy and her cheeko clog maker
bike models haha

ALBERT CUYPSTRAAT MARKET
chocolate anyone? :D
AMSTERDAM SCHIPHOL AIRPORT
we got stuck here solving IQ puzzles cuz our plane was delayed.

MILAN
LAKE COMO
ROME
clubbing in camping village roma where we saw hot THREESOME action on the dance floor. in case anyone was wondering, they left TOGETHER after awhile hehheh.
VATICAN CITY
st peter's square on a rainy day.

for a laugh, the famous vatican city guards.
TIVOLI
day trip to tivoli.

i think this photo explains itself heh.
our staple diet in rome: roast chicken cheap from the supermarket.
what did i tell you about the chicken. here we are at it again, at st peter's square no less.
i'm at one of the new seven wonders of the world! COLOSSEUM.

FLIGHT BACK TO SINGAPORE
europe withdrawal symptoms setting in already ie weirdness

more next time!! :)

2007-06-14T22:57:00.000+08:00

i'm BACK. from outer space.

haha from spacecake land more like it. :) anw it was great fun over there. the places (museums not included) , the people (including the locals we came across ie at barceloneta beach haha) , and the food (when we decided to take a break from bread and tuna). i could go on and on about the quaint little streets and the nice weather (mostly) but then there'd be too much to say.

actually, i havent even gotten down to missing the eurotrip properly. i came home tuesday afternoon and slept till 2pm on wednesday. then to town and mambo which left me to sleep at 6am and wake up at 4pm. totally european timings haha.

things i miss most about europe:

1) GELATO!! :) :) :) i wanna go back to the 100 flavour shop in rome boohoo.

2) people of course. talking cock, sharing laughs and serious convo.

3) pretty things to see

4) H&M haha.

5) hot eye candy on the streets heh.

and to combat post-europe blues, i shall list all the things good about being back in singapore:

1) good food at low prices!

2) no more rushing about like mad people to see the sights

3) in connection to the earlier point, no more sleeping then waking up at unearthly hours.

4) all the people we miss back here

i havent even had the chance to look at all my photos properly actually. i cant wait to compile everyones photos in chronological order and look through them. dont even remind me about scrapbooking. i havent even written down a summary of each day. come to think of it, i better do it soon, or i'll forget things. now i wish i was more conscientious about writing down my thoughts and feelings after each day. i did that for mongolia and its really nice to read what i wrote last time and reminisce.

one thing i'm VERY happy to have got out of europe is weight loss!! haha almost everyone has said that i've lost weight. :D now if only i can maintain it haha. i'm too greedy for my own good i say. it was probably the combination of walking alot and eating like a pauper. i'm sort of glad i had to stick to a tight budget so i wouldnt overeat haha.

my second reward for spending less on food is my very nice, most expensive pair of jeans ever haha. a pair of KILLAH jeans, sister brand of miss sixty. a steal at 64 euros!

anw i shall put up some photos soon. lazy now heh. actually i think i will put up a couple of tantalising ones la. not the ones from my cam though. not at home now haha. presenting to you.. the antipasti (italian for appetizers in case you didnt know haha) of eurotrip photos haha.

oh yeah escape gathering soon please so i can pass you guys some stuff. not much but still. its the thought that counts right haha. i missed you guys! haha.

2007-05-20T23:54:00.000+08:00

many many many things going on.
backlog of things for quite alot of days now haha. and EUROPE TMR!! much excitement heh.
i STILL havent finished packing. i like doing things last minute haha. tmr i'm gonna pick out the clothes to bring.
i wanted to write down everything i've done these few days. a diary of sorts. but i've either been too busy or lazy haha. THIS is all i can remember.

WEDNESDAY
compulsory dinner with the grandparents who wanted to see me drive. so i had to drive to east coast VERY VERY carefully for fear of scaring the old folks into shock or smth. i think i was more nervous than them haha. BUT we reached safely. east coast is nice at night! anyone for blading there at night someday? haha.
this is my grandmama! she looked incredibly bewildered when i whipped out my phone and asked her to take a pic with me. isnt she cute. i have a thing for old people hahaha.
me and my daddy. any resemblance? haha i was very bored at dinner laaa. no one was talking much.
then it was mambo at night! a kung fu addy haha. to match the mighty (expensive) dragon on her back.
us there.
THURSDAY
supp to be out for lunch but i woke up late haha. went out later on to find a moneychanger and get other europe supplies! then yuhui's gig at ben&jerrys cathay at night.
shaken not stirred:
more pics when i get them from her cam!

FRIDAY
day of the test i did not study for haha. but it went fine so alls good heh.
we decided to scrimp after that so we went to maxwell road for lunch. good food! and the aunties in us showed themselves. someone queued half and hour for chicken rice just cuz she saw there was a long queue so therefore it must be good. some bought egg tarts and toted the birght plastic bags all over chinatown. and then we all went to places we wouldnt normally be caught in haha.

glamorous chinatown ah sohs hahaha.

another one.
and this is the dress i bought! nice right haha. and the best part is that it was cheap.
SATURDAY
SMU touch carnival at republic poly. damn FREAKING far. took 2 wrong turns before i got there haha. anw NUS won!! the competition wasnt too tough and i think we had fun. the mud was really bad though. and my knee felt wobbly like my patella was gonna drop off or my acl was gonna tear so i had to get it taped up.
the prize was LOUSY haha. some $20 voucher for the running lab. we gave all ours to our coach haha.

got a date with my bro at clarke quay haha. to watch FA cup finals which was a disappointment. :( haha but i drove my bro's BMW there! quite exciting but i dont think i can take much of it because:
1) no P plate so if i got into an accident then i'm in trouble
2) he just got it so if i got into an accident then i'm in even bigger trouble haha.
3) the car is very low and my body is too short so i cant see properly
4) steering wheel is stiff
5) the car feels so powerful i feel like i'm taming it not driving it

the place was packed and happening haha. all the TV screens had pple crowding round them.
managed to get a seat at the satay club. i like going out with my bro cuz he pays for everything haha.
me and him! idiot claims he eats alot and just CANNOT get fat. bleahhh.

heehee so goodbye to all the people who will miss me! seeyou back on the 12th june heh. hopefully i will be a happy skinnier me because i have no money to buy food there haha.

2007-05-16T13:42:00.000+08:00

random things.

3 days of boring pdcp lessons. 2 days of going to vivo city. 1 day of waking up late. i still cant decide if i should go for tutorial later haha.

peekchure overload cuz i'm lazyyy.

cafe del mar from days ago.
super nice chill out spot.

yummm.
gay action heh.
champagne treat.

tangsss with the beloved one-eyed monster that is bernice hehh.

buying tofu men at vivo. like bernice insisted, we're only eighteen. not twenty.
they make nice necklaces okaayyy.

our new soon-to-be-comfortable-enough-to-trek-all-round-europe-in shoes haha.
trying on all sorts of stuff at forever 21 and amusing ourselves to no end.

samsui woman!! hahaha.

then team dinner and games at derel's house. FUN. :)

2007-05-12T18:41:00.000+08:00

i am so glad i found out how to resolve the blogger problem. back to coloured words and different font sizes! hahaha.

this is to TOUCH TEAM NUS.

so it was the last game of the summer touch league. we didnt do quite what we set out to though, but i dont wanna analyse what went wrong just now. not just yet. strangely i'm not too cut up about it. maybe its the one try difference, or that i think i created quite a couple of tries, or that its cool to finally feel that being in a team is about more than winning. i definitely had fun this season. and there was that nice break and pass off heh.

okay i suddenly feel like telling the story of my day. you are welcome to ignore this para haha. anw i woke up feeling unwell. had a blocked nose sore throat kind of thing. and i woke up 2 hours before i was supp to. i think i was too excited/nervous haha. so i had breakfast but i still felt like crap so i went back to sleep. and i didnt wanna wake up after that. BUT i dragged myself out to turf city only to find that our game was postponed. so we sat around cheering on other teams and gossiping haha. then after a brief warm up our game started. the first half was absolute crap. it felt like we couldnt get out of our half to try a single thing. second half we picked up quite alot, but it wasnt enough. everytime we equalised they'd come right back with another try, some of which were entirely preventable. and we didnt quite finish off all our plays.

mixed game was alot better although i was dying alr. and the soles of my feet felt worn off haha. the highlight was scoring a try off a play with mephine! and so we beat src to emerge mixed team champs yay. not quite the same amount of satisfaction as winning for nus though.

these are the people that i entrusted my camera to tdy. and this is what they took. THEMSELVES. haha.

how not to have weird fun with them huh? haha.
then they felt guilty filling up my cam with thier pics so they decided to take me playing the mixed game haha.
step by step instructions on how to score a try.
step 1: fake a switch.

step 2: do a funky jumping jiggle thing like meph to distract the defence.

step 3: dump the ball and split to the side. TRYYYYY! haha.

okay other random pics of myself in action. last game of STL please allow me to indulge myself haha.

pointing at my butt! hahaha.

mixed team minus devon who was busy pulling down dan's shorts to reveal his boxers hahaha.

wendy carmen yuan meph me! meph was being retarded saying its too bright haha.

this pic is damn cute cuz al's face just very nicely fits into the hole btw them. unintentionally as well haha.

so that was the day at turf city. more on team dinner and the night before at cafe del mar when i get the pics!

2007-05-11T16:52:00.000+08:00

yesterday was training training training! okay only 2 trainings actually haha. but it felt good to go back to hc to train and check out the juniors and see my coach. the weather was crazy crazy hot. but then the blue sky and pretty clouds actually make the heat kind of worth it. you have to be outdoors to appreciate it though.

i love blue skies.
and then today i finally carried out my plan. involving my room, my furniture, and my pair of strong arms hahaha. if you dont know me, let me say that i rearrange the furniture in my room once every few months. cuz the room gets boring after awhile. and i need somewhere to exercise my creativity haha. and yes almost everything is from ikea, for a good reason.

soooo, this is my room BEFORE. extremely messy heh.

and this is about 3 hours after. i think i've become very pro at arranging my furniture efficiently haha. but this time it was much harder cuz i had to tip the huge red shelf over. not an easy task to do alone i assure you. was so scared i'd drop it on my toes la. PLUS i sprained my ankle at the trng yesterday.

but TADAH. this is my room NOW. i like. :)
this is the view from my chair.

and from my door. abit dark though. the ceiling light blew.

tell me you think its cool hahaha. cafe del mar and mahjong later yay!

2007-05-10T14:20:00.000+08:00

waiiyaiiyaii yippee yo yippee YAY!! :)

H is for the holidays i have now
A is for the A i got for anat, A(-) for biochem and A(-) for physio haha
P is for the perfect weather today
P is for the plans i've made for the hols
Y is for the yodelling i want to do now!

hahaha okay so i'm a little mad now.

happy! shalala, its so nice to be HAPPY!

2007-05-09T16:36:00.000+08:00

i've been wondering why people choose to be cryptic. many people including myself tend to use vague, general terms to express ourselves to others. msn nicks, blog entries. we talk in such circles that people have no idea what we're going on about. is that the point? to remain a mystery to others?

perhaps its because we dont even know exactly what we want to say. how can we express ourselves if we dont know what it is we're feeling. or back to the thing about words being inadequate. so we prefer to use general terms that we know wont go very wrong.

or maybe its to keep out people who dont matter as much. those who are closer to us will at least have an idea what we're going on about, while the rest of the world wont have a clue. and you can sort of see who cares enough to ask what your cryptic message means.

then again maybe you just dont want people to know what you're thinking about. could be too embarrassing, too private, too close to the heart to just share with the world. or perhaps to sound cryptic makes you sound intellectual. like if you were to write a poem. it's open to different interpretations, and a good one is always held in high regard. maybe we're proud that we're able to twist words to mean many things.

haha okay thats the kind of thing i think about at night. nights that arent filled with mahjong like the previous 2! haha i think the next time i play after i win i wont have good luck already. despite wearing the same t-shirt both times. haha superstitious right. its like you dont really believe it'll work, but better safe than sorry anyway.

and i realise i really do read like a book a day. which could be good or bad i guess. so far the 4 books i chose from the lib the other day have been very good! i've been looking for books shelf by shelf starting from As. think i'm up to Bs already haha.

i can't believe europe is so soon. i'm not ready! i havent collected my tickets, i havent planned what to pack, i havent borrowed the backpack yet. and i dont want the day to come because it means it's going to be over then holidays are going to be over and back to school and soon it'll be exams then pros again and year 3 and no time for anything. hahaha i know i know, ever the pessimist right. i'm TRYING to svour what i have now. easier said than done though.

now pictures of places i'll be going! :)

madrid.
barcelona.

amsterdam.

paris.

milan.

rome.

wow i just found out from my book that eating off yellow plates makes you eat faster and more. fascinating.

2007-05-06T15:35:00.000+08:00

the loss that was not meant to be.
but to say that we deserved to win doesnt quite cut it either. numerous analyses gave rise to a thousand and one excuses (though i'd prefer to use the word reasons) that can never explain exactly what went wrong yesterday. perhaps too many factors, mixed in those we choose not to believe or say simply because they hurt too much to be spelled out in black and white.

personally i could fault my lack of stamina, stomach pains, lack of confidence, wrong attitude or even the unbearably hot weather, but i think i'll never know exactly what went wrong. in terms of the team i can point out our lack of speed, lack of training together, or the inability to adapt to the different style of defense which crumbled our runs and broke our morale. there are yet other things i dare not point out, faults in my team as well as myself. devon said that the team performed as well as he'd expect us to. the complacent, lacklustre side of me nods in agreement to that, willing to lie down and admit that we just couldnt have won.

the defensive, resilient and stubborn side of me refuses to though. it says that given a little change in the circumstances, given a second chance, we would have made a better showing. i like that this proud side of me seems to be winning out.

and i think it showed during the game, that the stronger side of me is starting to grow up. where i once would have given up in half the time, i put in even more. that is not to say i didnt entertain thoughts of wanting to end the game as soon as possible even though we were losing. i am embarrassed to admit that. the heat intensifies all the pain and exhaustion and brings out nausea and throbbing headaches, all of which made me want to give up. which i think i did, to a certain extent after awhile, because it all just seemed pointless. but then that stubborn side wanted to at least score a couple more, to prove my team's worth.

the sickening part however, was that nothing seemed to work, everything we tried was a blur. i remember just giving a long pass out to the wing (which was quite nice if i say so myself haha) and then running off for a sub because i couldnt take it anymore. one point of amusement, even when there wasnt supposed to be anything amusing, was when i turned and saw practically all my teammates crouched on the ground panting and trying to recover sufficiently to sub in again. okay so it wasnt exactly amusement, but rather a strange sense of belonging, a kind of "we're all in this crap together" sort of feeling, which for a brief moment at least, felt good.

then there was a long discussion with meph afterwards about touch in general, the world cup and what it did to us as players. it's comforting to know that i wasnt the only one feeling that way. i'm glad for team NUS though. it's brought me back to where i thought i'd never be again, shown me what i can do, and opened my eyes to the potential within.

oh yes, if given the chance again, i'd like to do better.

2007-05-05T01:08:00.000+08:00

so much for being nice friends and going on a surprise visit to the-girl-who-lost-her-wisdom's house, bringing along frozen yoghurt because she cannot eat ice cream. turns out she was driven off by 2 guys who come around often, so says her maid haha.
so we decided to go to vivo. which was a brilliant idea cuz we found nice stuff to buy!! :D river island's still so ex despite the extra reductions. glad we went to pull and bear before topshop cuz thats where the good stuff is haha. immediately tammy found a skirt and i found the black berms i've been looking for! dilemma after trying cuz i didnt know what size to get haha. they thought i was crazy when i tried to look for the largest size 8 among the pile. then both scolded me after i tried it on for them to see. apparantly it looked fine and i was just being paranoid haha.
and bernice was being her usual splurgy self again haha. that is, if not for our well intentioned and persuasive arguments.
okay i really want the brown pair of berms. and the red top that they have in green too. doing financial calculations now to see if i can afford it haha. and game against uwc tmr. i really REALLY wanna win that.

2007-05-02T21:51:00.000+08:00

i came across these damn cute and somewhat meaningful things when i was studying for exams. cuz i was so bored out of my mind. and some just reminded me of people.

by edward monkton, a genius i say.

i dont really get this one entirely, but somehow it reminds me of escapes. namely cuz of this song hahaha.

hip hip hurray
its a happy happy day
we'll always be together
VEGETABLE FRIENDS FOREVER!
(altogether now)
onion, tomato,
garlic, potato,
princess celery,
VEGETABLE FAMILY!!
oh yeahhhh.
(last line courtesy of tessarks haha.)

i miss those days.

HAHAHA. dear chocolate, i would never deny you the reason for your existence. come to me nowww.

to my strange friends. thanks for being peculiar like me.

this just totally reminded me of you bernice. stay nice mad haha.

2007-05-01T16:40:00.000+08:00

the other night i had this idea while i was lying in bed about to fall asleep. its about SELF IMPROVEMENT haha. the idea was to:

1) get people to tell me one thing i should change about myself. to make me a better person.
2) make them say one thing they thought was good abt me too. so that i wouldnt get too depressed hearing all the not good stuff haha.
3) work on the bad stuff gradually, keep going with the good stuff.

seemed like a good idea that night, and i suppose it is as well. the problem is that i dont have the courage to do it now. firstly cuz gathering the info is gonna be kind of weird, like all personal and stuff and sometimes i'd rather not go there. also, hearing it means i have to push myself to do smth about it. and i feel just too lazy to do it right now.
maybe next time though. MAYBE. unless anyone cares to get the ball rolling and tell me when they see me or smth haha.

been reading quite alot lately. a book a day. my eyesights gonna go down the drain i say. even with my new specs haha. havent been able to find a book in the lib, smth i really wanna read.
MY SISTER'S KEEPER.

lots of neil gaiman though. i quite liked stardust. good stuff with a nice sweet ending. although i used to hate romance novels, just like rom-coms with perfect aww-inducing endings because it seems like real life never turns out that way, or maybe only for one in a million people who get their fairy tale ending. i think i've gotten over it though. overlooked the impossibility of the situation actually happening and just learnt to enjoy, and perhaps hope for something as crazy.

speaking of crazy last night i went for a run instead of meeting pple for dinner haha. call me antisocial but running was pretty good. this is on hindsight, mind you, because the process of running itself isnt exactly the most pleasant thing haha. but then i'm proud that i made it to liang court and back in 70 mins!
then because i was happy from running and i FINALLY have the car, i went to town. met the rest at lido over a dirty table full of rubbish, as bernice put it haha.

this is how bernice eats ice cream, by biting. although it looks more like shes sucking it hahaha.
this is me showing her how regular pple eat ice cream. NO nasty comments please, ice creams are innocent things.

SPIDERMAN 3 later!! thanks to the efforts of 4 kiasu pple who scurried around making sure that we'd have tickets for tiong bahru plaza later. ulu places are good for times like this. i'm glad i stay so near too haha.

i leave you with a riddle from neverwhere by neil gaiman:

i turn my head, and you may go where you want.
i turn it again, you will stay till you rot.
i have no face, but i live or die
by my crooked teeth --- who am i?

i wonder who comes up with riddles like that. damn smart la.

2007-04-28T23:50:00.000+08:00

i'm tireddd. tired tired TIREDDD.

haha in a better mood though. exercise always puts me in a a better mood. tdy was 3 hours of exhausting touch rugby under the sun. looked deceivingly cloudy in the morning but my red face now is testament to the heat haha.

nus vs src coyotes: 13 - 0 :D
pukekos mens vs ssv6: (some double digit no) - 2
pukekos mixed vs bedok kings: (another double digit no) - 1

YAY! yeah i played for the mens team too cuz they didnt have enough guys. got zammed by some guy's knee in the thigh though. contusion. RIGHT after some huge ang moh stepped on my foot. i just limped off the field la haha. and running and stepping in the muddy field is no joke. can feel resistance everytime you life your foot to run. so now my knees feel abit wobbly and my thigh hurts and i have a headache and i am sunburnt, BUT i am satisfied. so all's well heh.

dinner afterwards at sakae sushi with some wantoks. nice talking to them actually. or rather listening to them talk because firstly i don't talk much in big groups and secondly i was too tired to talk and thirdly my mouth was usually full hahaha. no clubbing at st james tonight because i am TOO TIRED. and i am cheapskate i only go when its free entry :)

yesterday was quite good too. work then baking again and blading to tammy's house. planned the itinerary of barcelona yay! then mj at jabriels house where i was extremely unlucky and stupid and lost all the money i made the other time haha. but at least i got to eat beef kway teow at geylang for the first time! good stuff i wanna go again heh.

random things:
i just got my new specs tdy!! haha they're grey not green as i told some of you before. haha my dad said i look very studious. i already looked studious before lor HAHA.
and this is one of the rare times i will put up a narcissistic pic on my blog like that. must show you my specs right haha. but sadly i do not have a specs face like a certain loo jing min haha.
super sian my degree is like 225 right and 25 left eye. my right eye degree nearly doubled since i entered med sch la. that place is bad for me i tell you. oh and sorry i look so fierce here hahah.

anw maybe tmr i shall put up some pics of the places i'll be visiting in barcelona! i'm excited abt the shopping there heh. although i probably wont have money to spend. :(

oh yeah escapes reading this next monday after everyones exams over we go forture and eat okay! then mj sleepover at someones house haha. maybe mine if i can get a table and set. addy's idea haha.

dear tammy just gave me smth else random to blog abt hahaha.

princess* says:
haha i liked it.
princess* says:
shioks
princess* says:
showed that he cares HAHA
kim. says:
ooohhh
kim. says:
much love ah
kim. says:
hahaha
princess* says:
haha we're lovebirds!

wonders who shes talking abt hahahahaha.

2007-04-27T01:55:00.000+08:00

mambo last night was good fun. maybe cuz they moved rnb to velvet. which is so much bigger and less claustrophobic.

but the sparkles of last night have begun to drift down and settle on the floor,
mingling with the dusty remnants of the feelings i felt yesterday.

long discussions regarding my feelings dont help very much. they leave me right where i started, with no conclusion, no resolution. but they are appreciated, because i know that people care enough to offer opinions. and that other people do actually feel the way i do too.

i have a knack for ignoring my feelings, preferring to bury my head in a book and let the emotion pass. exactly the way i like to procrastinate in all the things i do. maybe not a very wise idea but it helps me settle down. not act upon a feeling which may go away in awhile. why stir up trouble in a nicely simmering cauldron?

i am scared. scared of the future, scared of people around me, scared of my power i hold, scared of my power i lack. and i loathe to admit this. despite who i have around me to help, i still feel very much alone and helpless sometimes.

i should learn to not let little things in life affect me. the ups and downs and nuances of life. situations and people flit in and out of each of our worlds, and they should not determine our state of happiness. so why i do still feel this way despite knowing how i SHOULD feel.

maybe thats only human. maybe these episodes of uncertainty are to reinforce belief in the one thing that IS certain. i must learn to hold tight to that which is constant. please be my anchor.

anw this post is not because i am feeling sad. well sort of but not the kind of sadness that makes you want to bawl and sob, but rather the quiet kind of heaviness that weighs you down and seeps into every corner of your body. more thoughtful and pensive than sad i guess.

thats the strange thing about feelings too. they cant always be described in words. not the way that notes every little detail of the feeling, or the context, or the magnitude of it. and they dont come seperately, but in a potent cocktail. and the more you think about it the more the feeling changes. insight breeds a plethora of other related feelings.

emo blog entries like this mean everything yet nothing.
they tell of thoughts and feelings, yet the inadequacy of words to fully express things, and the fact that the mind moves quicker than the fingers can capture means that i am no closer to telling you the way i feel than i was before. maybe some things really just cannot be explained.

it's like song lyrics that dont seem to mean anything. i leave this open to interpretation.

sophia, sophia, i'm burning, i'm burning
it's a fire it's a fire i cannot put out.

2007-04-25T20:35:00.000+08:00

i knew this feeling would set in. i tried and i tried to make it different from last time but it seems like it'll run me over anyway. the worst part is that i cant do anything about it, or i wont.

i want something. someone.

only when no one is watching
can we really fall apart.

2007-04-23T20:23:00.000+08:00

this post is dedicated to the dearest john tan, despite all the shocking things shes said and done , her secret keeping and revelations haha.

the retarded birthday girl!the surprise

the nutella cupcakes i made and decorated. with the strawberry cheesecake cach's MOM made and her FAVOURITE baileys at the side hahaha.
everyone enjoying my cupcakes!! i got rave reviews haha. they look like they can be in an ad right.
my nutella cupcake ad! :D
ES.CA.PES!!!
stump looking possessed hahahaha.
mong is damn greedy. look at her greedy face.
love(r)s. haha.
by the request of mich who thinks this pic is hilarous.
/23/ says:
HAHAHAHAHAH
/23/ says:
its damn funny
/23/ says:
u can almost see the gleam in her eyes
lydia and i!
addy is congratulating mich for turning 20. what a feat.
presenting her with... 2 cigarettes haha. one for each decade.
BAILEYS TIME!! 4 caps only cuz she insists she will puke otherwise. pfft.
1 cap only and shes red hahahah.
2 down 2 to go.
contemplating her third cap.
wants to die alr haha.
addy being the good buddy and downing the last cap for her.
strange friends i have haha.

addy playing dead so she can look up mich's shorts hahaha.
nice effect shots.

BAILEYS makes an appearance again.
see the light coming from the bottle. it must be good!
NOTTT. hahaha.
addy completing her dare.

haha okay that about sums up the night. oh and mahjong session at addy's house after that! poor mich couldnt come along cuz of exams. there there i know what that feels like!

at first i thought i was losing but then after that i made some! but then thats like petrol money for sending all the rest back la haha. and so much for bad mj luck. okay i better not jinx it now heh. MORE mj people! haha.

2007-04-21T23:33:00.000+08:00

housewife-ish day tdy haha. i grocery shopped, i baked, i sewed and i ran. housewives run too okay. to look good for their husband. hahaha wth. anw it didn't feel like a saturday. i think holidays makes all days the same. all days are good days! haha.

went grocery shopping with daddy. told him last night that we'd go at 10. and he said that meant we'd go at 11 because i always wake up late. in the end i woke up at 1 haha. he knows me well indeed.

had to walk all the way to the lousy ntuc so far away. but i had a nice breakfast of kolo mee on the way back! haha my corner coffeeshop has pretty good food both morning and night. got home with ingredients for baking!!

all the stuff i need for the perfect cupcakes heh.step 1: batter and eggs that look like puke haha.
step 2: scoop batter into cupcake tins
step 3: put lavish amounts of nutella on top. eat a little in the process hahaha.
step 4: SWIRL!! its not as easy as it looks heh.

step 5: bake for 20 mins. and get this!

step 6: EAT! :D

after wolfing down a couple, i decided to make a pouch for myself haha. so domesticated and tame hahaha.
paint and sponges!
after sponging the cloth with animal prints.the completed product!
quite nice right haha. dunno what i'm gonna use it for though.

and tdy i finally went to zouk.

by that i mean i ran to zouk and back haha.
feels good to have a long run after not running at all for so long. my calves ache though.
BUT the impt thing is that i'm happy now. running makes you nicely high and full of optimism.

tmr shall be a good day too yay. :)

2007-04-21T01:05:00.000+08:00

it's funny how some things can completely ruin your mood. and just a little while later something can make the world seem okay again.
like this for example:
a mood ruiner.
haha i hope i dont get in trouble for using this logo thing but i'm sure its common knowledge that no one appreciates a parking slip. or getting bullied by a sarcastic police officer at the AIRPORT. which is what happened to me just now bleahh.

on the other hand, these make the world a brighter place again haha.
say hello to NUTELLA CUPCAKES! actually it should be say byebye because they will be so nice that they will be gobbled up in no time haha. i will attempt to make them tmr after i buy the ingredients. and i'll make them look prettier too! haha.

this from my day out at sentosa. weather was nicer than this photo shows though. my tanlines are damn obvious now.
the friend i havent really talked to for some time. come back stumpieee. from you know whos arms. i miss you hahahha.
this is a damn random pic of suntanning bottles. cute right. cuz the ice in them wouldnt melt to give sufficient water haha.

dinner and dessert at menottis yum yum. though the place was a little too noisy it was still gooood. parked at suntec city instead of raffles city though because i couldnt find my way there haha. firstly because i'd never driven there before, secondly because the jam was so crazy i couldnt change lanes, and thirdly because i dont have enough practice driving.
these arent excuses okay. they're legitimate reasons haha.
when i found myself heading past lau par sat i decided to try the ecp and suntec route instead. but then i was scared i'd get lost in the maze of CBD again that i decided to just park at suntec and WALK the long way to raffles city. so much for having the car heh.

so grocery shopping and baking and HOPEFULLY a run tmr. i like this life. :D

2007-04-20T03:05:00.000+08:00

AHHH no mambo this week.
all because i didnt eat dinner and still played the stupid drinking game.
1-5 for the number of shots
6 for types
7 for toilet card
8 for action card
9 for rhyming (with pple choosing words like streptococci HAHA. i'm amazed they could think of smth that rhymes with that.)
picture cards are nothing.
this is a bad bad evil game haha.

and i have concluded that nausea is the worst feeling ever. worse than pain by FAR.
haha anw i wanna say that i will NEVER drink until i puke again. i promise by this blog. if i puke cuz of alcohol ever again, i will..

POST PICTURES OF THE TIME I HAD SHORT HAIR AND WORE A HAIRBAND TO PUSH MY FRINGE ALL UP.

then you can all laugh at me. hahahaha okay that should be sufficient to stop me. friends you can help me with this! hahaha.

but lunch was good we were all super hungry la. trng was alright. dinner with my teammates was damn fun. they're such amusing pple haha.

i should sleep now anw there's sentosa tmr!! and river island! yay yay yay. hols are gonna be super fun if things carry on this way heh. which i doubt so i shall ENJOY myself now. and post smth i've wanted to for some time when i'm more bored.

oh and thanks yuhui for driving me arnd! haha nutella cupcakes for you soon! and pple who are nice to me hahaha. :D

2007-04-18T17:31:00.000+08:00

MOMMY ITS OVERRRR!!
(haha in case you dont know where thats from, they play it every time the just for laugh program ends. damn cute haha.)
yay i guess you can tell i'm damn happy now.
i'm incredibly sleepy but the freedom feels too good to waste on sleeping! so i'm trying to revamp a top. lots to sew haha.

ANW lunch was at THE PUMP ROOM.
yeah the one that was advertised in life tgt with brewerkz or smth. cuz i have alcoholic friends la. first champagne (which we didnt drink in the end) then beer haha.

they had nice fibreoptic lights heh.
our food!! spicy thai wings, seafood basket, linguine aglio olio. good food man haha.
these are my friends after pros faces!!
grinning tammy.
smug yuhui.
beaming bernice.
has a nice ring to it right haha.
and the 4 of us. waiter has shaky hands.
them. alcoholics unanonymous haha.
thats bernice with her beer and me with umm.. not my beer. haha.

haha then we were tired so we all just chionged home to sleep. but now that i'm home i dont wanna sleep alr ley.

gonna go back out later yay!! timbre then mambo mambo MAMBO!!
bernice's and tammy's virgin mambo experience haha.
its gonna be a BLAST.

we're celebrating with a BANG right. hahahhahaha. okay nvm inside joke.
to sleep! :D

2007-04-17T22:21:00.000+08:00

AHHHH i'm so incredibly bored of studying. i feel like just giving up and going for tmr's paper like that. which is NOT a good idea.

tmr we are going to pop champagne and celebrate the start of a 4 month long holiday. say hello to mambo nights, trainings, eurotrip, aust trip. days spent lying in the sun reading NICE books.
i'm polishing my champagne flute now heehee.

well i would if i actually had one. :D

now if only the physio paper is nth like the biochem one.

2007-04-15T19:12:00.000+08:00

yesterday's game made me feel quite good.
not because we lost 7-4.
maybe because i scored a really nice try.
probably because i know that we can do better as a team.

cut out the thousand and one penalties for overstepping the mark etc
drive with more ferocity
defend with less fear
oh yeah we can definitely do better.

when these !#*&% exams are over i'm gonna put more into touch
so i can put up a better fight when the time comes!

AND that one about studying for the wrong paper.
OR the one about waking up late for your exam.

please please let this be over quick. and leave us all happy.

2007-04-14T03:48:00.000+08:00

i just discovered the meaning of panic.

when you realise the danger, and survival mechanisms kick in,
many things change.
you focus better, procrastinate less.
you actually WANT to study for fear of whats coming.

oh dear.

2007-04-13T18:38:00.000+08:00

SURPRISE VISIT FROM MY LOVESS! :D

i got back from trng feeling pretty good until i sat down in front of my books again. then i got a call from stump.

stump: HELLO!!! (sounding damn freaking happy cuz the stupid girl finished exams alr)
me: whatt. (sounding damn grouchy cuz i didnt want it rubbed in my face haha)
stump: umm. are you studying? (sounding damn scared cuz i was grouchy)
me: yeah la. what else. (even more bitter)
stump: okay. then i let you study. (totally not hyper alr)
me: okay bye. (STILL grouchy and bitter haha)

and the convo ended. but luckily that little thing didnt take my grouchiness to heart heh.
turns out they trooped down to my house in cach's car: stump cach shan mong and one extra haha.
so when the doorbell rang i was still grouchy and expecting it to be my mom or smth.
and there they were beaming at me haha.
so touching righttt. HAHA.

thats them crowded in front of my comp.
and then we started taking pictures of ourselves.
okay we took abt 10 photos in this arrangement till the photographer found it too boring haha.

stumpieeee and meee. rhymes! haha.
HAHA stump's best photo. SO CHIO!! hahaha.
shan and cach showing their love for each other. eeyer.
cach's attempt at an artistic shot of me. i was TRYING to study with them there. needless to say it was futile haha.
mongs pretty face haha.
stump with sexy pose, come hither+smouldering eyes look. pity the pout just sent us all rolling in laughter . CANNOT MEANS CANNOT LA STUMP. only one person will find it attractive okay HAHA.

and many more ridiculous photos. oh the only thing bad was them talking abt their clubbing and mj-ing plans bleahh. NVM i will join the ranks of the free come wednesday!!

if i get thru these few days.

thanks for visiting i missed you guys. :)

2007-04-12T15:01:00.000+08:00

ahh i dont care if you think i'm crazy to still go for trng now.
i NEED to play some touch haha.

the adrenaline rush.

the people.

the stupid things.

the decision making.

gonna get my fix of all of that at 6pm today! :)
3 more hours to go.

2007-04-12T01:18:00.000+08:00

the spine is fine hahahah.
maybe that means i'm not studying snell enough.

my mom thinks i'm studying too hard.
just cuz i havent been out of the house for a couple of days doesnt mean i've been studying the whole day.

i keep thinking of that nursery rhyme.
and i cant remember how exactly it goes
tick tock
hickory dock
the mouse ran up the clock?
time's passing too slow to bear
but i dont want it to go any faster either.

2007-04-12T00:54:00.000+08:00

ooh yeah
on the dance floor
yeah yeah yeah
let's play a game
on the dance floor.

i should be somewhere else tonight.
anywhere but here.

2007-04-11T20:16:00.000+08:00

i want i want I WAAAAAANNNTTT.

this is what asics says about their touch shoes:
"what began in 1990 as an attempt to build a better football boot and reduce Achilles Tendonitis injuries in Australian rules players, has now evolved to encompass many of Australia's favourite sports including netball, cricket, hockey, golf and touch."

heehee thats exactly what i have la. achilles tendonitis. means these are perfect for me.
its for the good of my health! haha.

i need i need I NEEEEEEEDDD.

(particularly the ones in grey. many many blades = many many steps = many many tries. :D)

someone buy for me please? haha.

2007-04-11T14:53:00.000+08:00

glory GLORY!!

hahaha it was so worth the trouble finding a site i could watch the match online for free.
man u 7-1 roma.
heehee.
and i was actually happy, even though i was studying GIT at the same time.
YEEAAAAYYY!!
amazing stuff.

2007-04-10T01:04:00.000+08:00

thats the exact thing we use to poke at cadavers with during anat prac. so what's it doing in my kitchen sink? haha.

speaking of anat i think i have the strangest ability to remember the most irrelevant facts when i study. simply cuz i find them interesting. examples:

1) telling tammy her pulp space was infected. which is the little portion of flesh at the tip of your finger. that's probably like the most useless thing to know abt the anatomy of the upper limb.

2) amusing my physio group mates by calling the greater omentum the "abdominal policeman". but that's exactly what's written in snell! just that no one but me remembers it haha.

3) remembering that the pec major is an accessory muscle of inspiration when you grip a table or chair. which is in snell too. and is also a pretty useless thing to know unless i one day find myself in sudden respiratory distress.

now if only i could remember the main points just as well haha.

and i recurled my hair tdy! i now look like a clown hehheh. but nvm i've no plans to step out of the house till monday.

oh wait.
i have trng on thurs. and game on sat.
owells.

2007-04-08T20:26:00.000+08:00

an email to make the day worse:From: Esther PHUA Lu En
Sent: Sun 4/8/2007 2:31 PM
To: Tessa LIN Xunfei; KHOO Hui Shan; 'mIcHeLLe =)'; 'lydia';
Monica WAI Ying Hua; 'kim'; Cacherel SIM Wei
Subject: AFTER EXAMS. ALL HELL BREAK LOOSE. (applies to smu students only.
gloats) (wth lor.)

helloooooo
in preparation for AFTER EXAMS itinerary, FIRST up is ES.CA.PES gathering.
tentative date. FRIDAY 13/4 GO OUT N PAINT THE TOWN RED AND THEN EAT A
SHIOK BUFFET DINNER. hows that?

and the various replies:

go VIVOCITY!
me and lydia wanna go hehehehehe
hor lydia? haha.
who's still havings exams?

EH I DONT MIND ALSO!
hahaha i wana shop! yay

MY reply:

HIGHLY INSENSITIVE.

BEST REPLY:

GO AND DIE LA I HAVENT EVEN START EXAMS THEN LOH.
KNNBCCB.
:(:(

hahaha good one john.

the long and tedious beginning.

2007-04-08T18:55:00.000+08:00

haha this is about the worst time to set up a blog, except in maybe about 9 days. which is the day before PROSSS. rhymes with grosss. eww haha.
okay i'm just testing this thing out. i'm EXTREMELY PROUD of the changes to this blogskin. despite knowing nothing abt html and image hosting haha.
well done kim. ur just reward?
integration of metab and thorax. bleahh.

oh and apparantly gisele bundchen is on my blog!
see her up there.
thats what the skin creator says haha.
HOT STUFF.