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Saturday, April 12, 2008
i keep thinking about the law of averages, or whatever its called. the theory that good comes with an equal amount of bad, where down's the only way to go if you're at the peak.because i think i've been having it pretty good all my life. not perfect for sure, because nothing's perfect, but certainly above average. so i keep worrying about when smth bad will happen. for sure, what goes around comes around. i even think i DESERVE trouble and anguish.or maybe this is as bad as it gets already. i feel as though i'm waiting for something to happen, the major event thats gonna change my life forever. i've probably been reading too many books. i say this because books focus on a major event or time period in the protagonist's life, and it makes me wish that smth like that was happening to me too. but it's completely unrealistic because the likelihood that the major event will happen within these few weeks as opposed to some other time in my entire life is pretty small. IF there's even gonna be a major event. maybe we all go through life looking for that one event but only a handful of us get it, while the rest just have several significant episodes that don't quite match up.so i am floating around trying to find joy in every day, trying to fill up the hours so that i won't keep thinking about how empty the future is. bright, but empty. give me a choice between being wildly successful in my future career, and being emotionally satisfied, i think i'd pick the latter. or maybe i'm saying this now because i'm just bored. they say that being with someone shouldnt complete you. you should be whole and happy before you even consider getting someone, but i cannot for the life of me see how that works. at risk of sounding totally pathetic, i think i need someone to complete my happiness. just that 10% more to reach 100%. i could be a romantic, i could be a fool."hope was a pathological part of puberty, like acne and surging hormones. you might sound cynical to the world, but that was just a defence mechanism, cover-up coating a zit, because it was too embarrassing to admit that in spite of the bum deals you kept getting, you hadn't completely given up."back to the topic about deserving some pain, i guess i think i've been having it too easy, too good. never having to really fight for what i wanted, most of the time it's just handed to me just the way i like. i called the shots, and maybe now its backfiring. if so then maybe i should just be stoic about it, because if it's down now, it's bound to go up again. my luck will return, and things will turn out right again.meanwhile i shall settle in between sadness and happiness, letting things around me pull me transiently in either direction. i dont like being in this position though, because it means my moods fluctuate too easily for my liking. i could try to be happy, but sometimes i dont see the point in deceiving myself. why be happy if there's nothing really to be happy about? then again i've probably come to expect too much, because it's been too good.
so really, i'm back to square one. 12:32:00 AM
Saturday, April 12, 2008
i keep thinking about the law of averages, or whatever its called. the theory that good comes with an equal amount of bad, where down's the only way to go if you're at the peak.because i think i've been having it pretty good all my life. not perfect for sure, because nothing's perfect, but certainly above average. so i keep worrying about when smth bad will happen. for sure, what goes around comes around. i even think i DESERVE trouble and anguish.or maybe this is as bad as it gets already. i feel as though i'm waiting for something to happen, the major event thats gonna change my life forever. i've probably been reading too many books. i say this because books focus on a major event or time period in the protagonist's life, and it makes me wish that smth like that was happening to me too. but it's completely unrealistic because the likelihood that the major event will happen within these few weeks as opposed to some other time in my entire life is pretty small. IF there's even gonna be a major event. maybe we all go through life looking for that one event but only a handful of us get it, while the rest just have several significant episodes that don't quite match up.so i am floating around trying to find joy in every day, trying to fill up the hours so that i won't keep thinking about how empty the future is. bright, but empty. give me a choice between being wildly successful in my future career, and being emotionally satisfied, i think i'd pick the latter. or maybe i'm saying this now because i'm just bored. they say that being with someone shouldnt complete you. you should be whole and happy before you even consider getting someone, but i cannot for the life of me see how that works. at risk of sounding totally pathetic, i think i need someone to complete my happiness. just that 10% more to reach 100%. i could be a romantic, i could be a fool."hope was a pathological part of puberty, like acne and surging hormones. you might sound cynical to the world, but that was just a defence mechanism, cover-up coating a zit, because it was too embarrassing to admit that in spite of the bum deals you kept getting, you hadn't completely given up."back to the topic about deserving some pain, i guess i think i've been having it too easy, too good. never having to really fight for what i wanted, most of the time it's just handed to me just the way i like. i called the shots, and maybe now its backfiring. if so then maybe i should just be stoic about it, because if it's down now, it's bound to go up again. my luck will return, and things will turn out right again.meanwhile i shall settle in between sadness and happiness, letting things around me pull me transiently in either direction. i dont like being in this position though, because it means my moods fluctuate too easily for my liking. i could try to be happy, but sometimes i dont see the point in deceiving myself. why be happy if there's nothing really to be happy about? then again i've probably come to expect too much, because it's been too good.
so really, i'm back to square one.
this is me.
kimberley.
defined by the medicine she studies, the touch rugby she plays, and the friends and family that she loves.
my heart's content.
+ travelling (feasible: bangkok, realistic: america, europe, south africa, idealistic: arctic)
+ i'll think of more when its not 6am in the morning.
people.
tell me.
credit where credit's due.
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Base codings and inspiration courtesy of Hilary, from her skin take to the sky.
Picture belongs to muszka of Devianart, added, by eclair-x, with thinking bubble and text.
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