i realize that i fantasize alot. not sexual fantasies la, i know all you sick pple out there are gonna jump straight to that conclusion haha. but my fantasies are no less embarrassing, at least to me, and i will not divulge them ever. haha okay maybe to a few special pple whom i know won't laugh at me. or at least i wont care if they laugh.
they're embarrassing because they go against what people think of me. there's really nothing wrong with them, not morally or anything, but they speak of someone who doesnt seem like myself at all. ughh maybe i'm just surpressing my true character haha. hiding it under a dark, perhaps overly-practical and proud surface. owells.
because the days have been so bloody hot recently, the sky was really clear tonight, at least at changi. it was really pretty nice, and i would have stopped to admire it all if i wasnt so scared that someone would kidnap me along that dark deserted path haha. east coast is rising in appeal to me, just that its damn far away.
tmr i get my first chance to watch a real surgery, probably the removal of a thyroglossal cyst. a pretty rare case apparantly, since these come in only once every 6 months. EXCITED heh. hope it lives up to my expectations though.
ahh damn shag la. it was a full day of touch at smu touchdown 2008. excessive sun (very burnt and black now), sand (abrasions here and there) and dubious calls made, some by me i am ashamed to say haha. but then i think cannot help it la. cuz its impossible to catch every infringement going at that pace. even if you did catch them, you'd be interrupting the play so much that it'll be quite ridiculous. so i think as long as the uncertain calls are made equally for both teams, its not so bad haha. (this is how i make myself feel better heh.) but seriously its damn hard to ref beach touch you always get yelled at no matter what. oh wells worth it for $64!! :)


heehee dont mind me. anw tmr i have a SEVEN THIRTY AM to FIVE PM day dammit. and gonna try clerking another case aft sch too. i should sleep now i'm extremely tired alr. and my body is currently a heat radiator sighh.
but things to look forward to next week:
tennis
maybe mambo?
hopefully another blading session

good enough to get me thru the week. :)
i feel like a log haha. my sleep cycle is so screwed up its amazing. like a jet lag of 12hrs between weekdays and weekends. but nvm, all in the name of blading, good food, mahjong and good dessert. so much for eating like a bird la. more like an ostrich, or great eagle. i imagine they eat alot too given their size haha.

repeat after me: i am going to be a bird. i am going to be a bird. i am going to be a bird. hahaha in terms of the amount they eat i mean. no more finishing 2 chocolate bars at a go, or stuffing my face with decadent canele chocolate cakes and macarons (heavenly btw haha), or milky red and green bean desserts. instead i will have healthy yoghurt with oats, multigrain bread with turkey breast, or yong tau foo. and I WILL BE HAPPY ABOUT IT. at least i will try haha.
days have been good, because packed activity full days are good.
so, this shall be a colourful entry haha.

dessert with stump, because i cannot send her off tmr. :(
canele --> what's good enough for pierre herme is good enough for me! haha.
the famous macarons, in pistachio and hazelnut yumyum. bit different from the one i had in paris though.
thick chocolate cake that was too dry for stump's liking. but still good nonetheless haha.
playing with macarons, much to the amusement of others haha.

i'm sorry i cant be there to send you off tmr stump! you know that i want to haha. and no defu lane before you go too. :( but nvm i will make sure yuhui tells you all the good places to shop and eat at, and you can buy nice cheap things for me too haha. email more, or skype!! love yaaa and take care. :)

and more hospital things, of us in scrubs. i think i will like this after all haha. i want to live in these next time. they make me feel good. my CG pro siaaa haha.
okay kind of silly but i like the walkway effect haha. note my croc-like shoes, which were too small for me actually.

and on fri night, mich's party at butter where she arrived 2 hours LATE tsk. so we sat around on the see-saw and swings.
birthday(in2hrstime) girl. JOHN TAN.

one escape not present then, but still very much in our hearts and on our minds all the time.
GOING,


GOING,
GONE. hahaha.nice deco in butter.to dearest long john/michelle tan, may you have a wonderful 21st. i suppose ur party was alr highly memorable, or maybe you can barely remember anything haha. i still remember the birthday where we stripped and floured you and gave you a box to run abt hwa chong in. those were the days indeed, of chapteh and reading room nonsense. even though i don't talk to you often now, i hope you know that i'm always here should you need me. and its very nice to catch up with you, and update each other about our current status. i hope your status will stay this way for a long long time though, because you seem to be in bliss at last haha. hang in there for ur exams, and here's to a smooth sailing life and many more years of friendship. LOVESSSS. :)
(eee so mushy haha you better appreciate this.)

on to anne's birthday on sat, where i rushed to get a bunch of balloons to tie to her car. i really like this one haha.
after stuffing them in her car.

and then she treated us to a singapore flyer ride!! excitingggg haha. it's nice and romantic la.
this is around the top.
the roads look damn nice, awash with lights.


coming down not so exciting alr. esp cuz facing the sea now. i suppose it'll be better in the day cuz can look across the sea.

then cake time with a surprisingly good hans chocolate cake.
surprised with the balloons and vouchers!
sunday got woken up by my brother who was FINALLY free to go blading with me. so we seized the opportunity to go east coast. 4km along east coast, then 7km to changi beach park, 4km along changi beach, 5km to bedok resevoir park, and about another 15km more along other park connectors back to east coast. apart from the heat and numerous abrasions, we had lots of fun. of course we took breaks for drinks and plasters and ice creams haha. so about 4 hours in total. now my adductor muscles ache haha. but i cant wait to do it again, this fri or sat maybe? :)
ride back top down. good brother-sister bonding indeed. too bad it only happens when his gf abandons him for the day haha.
tmr is ortho posting, 8.30-4. will start my bird routine, with toki tima match at yck in the evening. please please dont rain haha i'm really looking forward to this. :)

seems like deep down i'm a bimbo, because the words are in rainbow gradients haha. song of the moment:
everything you ever wanted from this life is gonna happen right now
oooh those loves turn to highs
and the temperatures rise
better reach for the skies
and raise up the ceiling.

because there ain't no party like the party going on in my house
better believe that it's gonna be the biggest night of the year
because there ain't no party like the party going on in my house
but it would be so much better if you were only here
if only you were here.


i've been requested to make an entry that isnt depressing or melancholy so here goes my attempt at the superficial. more for remembering that things do turn out okay, no matter how bad you think they will be, because we can never predict how things will turn out. which is why looking forward to things too much is bad, cuz there's a higher chance that you'll be let down.

so two 8am-6pm days in the hospital have passed, punctuated by 2 hr lunch breaks that could've been longer just that we were pressured to be hardworking and clerk more patients. so many things i've heard from various consultants, registrars, m3s. probably the only thing that is common to the advice is that there's a long LONG way to go and we never stop learning. we never stop being the most junior pple in the ward, we never stop observing. some say that we're just starting out and we should go slow, get a feel of things. at the same time, we're told to do as much as we can, finish reading impossibly thick textbooks, and then read them again. so obviously theres the bare minimum we can do now to pass this course, and there's the other extreme of pushing the limits to set a good foundation. what i wish our mentor had told us is what is reasonable. what will make us knowledgeable enough to enter proper postings as useful contributors to the wards, yet keep us sane, considering that other people are starting their 4 month long holidays now and we should rightfully be having ours now too.

then there's that apprehension about approaching patients, not knowing the right thing to say, because i admit that i'm not the outgoing sort. i'm gonna need more time and effort to get good at this, and i'm gonna need help with my chinese too haha. i've whined enough about this to some people, all that remains is to continue trying and developing a thicker skin. it's harder than you think to go up to a random stranger, who is in a foreign and scary place for him, and start probing for his most intimate details. i mean this both mentally and physically. everytime i sit and think that perhaps theres nothing intimidating about that, and that i have nothing to lose by just trying. the moment i'm approaching a patient though, i start to mildly panic. sure i can do it if i'm forced to, but i don't like it. worst of all, i hate that i don't like it.

and so i try, i really do. the good thing is, i think it gets better every day. every day i manage to talk to someone i feel good about it. i feel good about remembering the small things that are important in talking to patients, and noticing small things like how the mother of a sick child is pregnant, or for picking up that a little girl who refused to say much actually had type I diabetes. important considering we nearly wanted to bring her a chocolate bar which would have put her right back into the ketoacidosis she was warded for. all these small things make me feel that i'm worthy of being in the wards, where we walk around with the power to talk to any patient we want and look at their files. baby steps in the long journey.

then apart from the soft skills, theres the actual studying and learning of the thousand and one things. actually not thousand, but infinite, because we could spend a whole 24 hours talking about the examination, pathology and management of a patient, and still not be done. dr lau was right in repeatedly saying that medicine in interesting, because i think thats a gross understatement. 20 years down the road, i think i'll be like him still, saying in that awestruck voice that medicine is interesting, because it truly is. but the downside of that is that we have to know all that, and know it well to be able to do our job well. just 3 days and my stack of notecards has been filled by practically illegible scribblings that i'm supposed to read up on and write down properly, but obviously i havent due to the numerous other time fillers ie touch and mj and brain game and friends haha.

already i'm morphing into more doctor-like material. don't laugh and say that its only been 3 days, how can i possibly change. wait till you survive more than 48 hours on 3 hours of sleep, and feel the pain in my feet from standing and walking all day. perhaps it will only get worse, but i'm glad simply because i dont dread it like i used to anymore. :)

words to remember and laugh at:
"GOD knows."
"doesn't matter what you have"
"the seed and the soil"
"benign sexual headache" and "if you have it multiple times after that the pain goes away"
"why are you all thrombosing the walkway"
doesnt matter if these dont mean anything to you, just know that most doctors are quirky with a strange sense of humour and several pet phrases and habits.

ahh it's like being pushed into the deep end of the ocean with scuba diving gear and no license. first you flounder and struggle to master the equipment but if you finally get it you look around and discover the colourful and unexplored marine life below. sure theres the risk of drowning but ur generally safer than you think and the view might just be worth it.
sometimes you need a jolt to put things back into perspective. because life is hard, its like stumbling around drunk and your world is spinning and certain things feel like the most important things in the world. you let them consume you, when in reality they mean nothing at all, not really. so when you finally get that slap in your face, or the cold water splashed on you, your priorities right themselves and you focus on the things you ought to. too bad feeling all high and dizzy is nice too and i never stick to the righted world for too long, no matter how much i know i should.

i should:
remember that i have more than enough things to be grateful for
never let anyone make me feel smaller than i am
treasure the people around me
take my time and enjoy things as they come
go to church

i really should. but these are things i tell myself time and again, until they just become things i tell myself time and again. maybe i need that seismic shift to make me learn, but i'm way too scared to find out what that would cost me.

on a lighter note, i'm finally going to buy clinical clothes tmr. on the very last day possible. i guess i wasnt looking forward to it too much. i might even have dreaded it, because it feels like i'm starting down a path that i have to stick to for the rest of my life and i guess i'm apprehensive. but since i discovered something awhile ago, i somehow want to do this more (this meaning venturing into the hospitals proper). cliched as this may sound, i want to learn i want to make a difference, i want to help. perhaps delayed reaction there but as they say, better late than never.

i keep thinking about the law of averages, or whatever its called. the theory that good comes with an equal amount of bad, where down's the only way to go if you're at the peak.
because i think i've been having it pretty good all my life. not perfect for sure, because nothing's perfect, but certainly above average. so i keep worrying about when smth bad will happen. for sure, what goes around comes around. i even think i DESERVE trouble and anguish.
or maybe this is as bad as it gets already. i feel as though i'm waiting for something to happen, the major event thats gonna change my life forever. i've probably been reading too many books. i say this because books focus on a major event or time period in the protagonist's life, and it makes me wish that smth like that was happening to me too. but it's completely unrealistic because the likelihood that the major event will happen within these few weeks as opposed to some other time in my entire life is pretty small. IF there's even gonna be a major event. maybe we all go through life looking for that one event but only a handful of us get it, while the rest just have several significant episodes that don't quite match up.
so i am floating around trying to find joy in every day, trying to fill up the hours so that i won't keep thinking about how empty the future is. bright, but empty. give me a choice between being wildly successful in my future career, and being emotionally satisfied, i think i'd pick the latter. or maybe i'm saying this now because i'm just bored. they say that being with someone shouldnt complete you. you should be whole and happy before you even consider getting someone, but i cannot for the life of me see how that works. at risk of sounding totally pathetic, i think i need someone to complete my happiness. just that 10% more to reach 100%. i could be a romantic, i could be a fool.

"hope was a pathological part of puberty, like acne and surging hormones. you might sound cynical to the world, but that was just a defence mechanism, cover-up coating a zit, because it was too embarrassing to admit that in spite of the bum deals you kept getting, you hadn't completely given up."

back to the topic about deserving some pain, i guess i think i've been having it too easy, too good. never having to really fight for what i wanted, most of the time it's just handed to me just the way i like. i called the shots, and maybe now its backfiring. if so then maybe i should just be stoic about it, because if it's down now, it's bound to go up again. my luck will return, and things will turn out right again.
meanwhile i shall settle in between sadness and happiness, letting things around me pull me transiently in either direction. i dont like being in this position though, because it means my moods fluctuate too easily for my liking. i could try to be happy, but sometimes i dont see the point in deceiving myself. why be happy if there's nothing really to be happy about? then again i've probably come to expect too much, because it's been too good.

so really, i'm back to square one.
yesterday someone said "loneliness is beautiful" and according to stump i gave a classic absolutely bewildered like wth are you talking about look.
today i felt some strange urge to walk home from orchard after a wonderful night out. yes, alone. and i thought about it, among many other things.
there was this one time i tried out a personality quiz thingy and out of 9 different pictures of places i'd choose to visit, i picked one that showed a dark, desolate place. there was ice and snow everywhere and the moon was out, bathing everything in a frosty pale blue. then the analysis thing said that very few pple chose that and i can understand why. why pick something that looks downright depressing when there are other pictures of sunny beaches and green rolling hills. i guess very few people will see it my way.
i imagined myself standing in the middle of that, in virtual silence. the cold permeates my clothes, just enough to keep me feeling awake and alive, while the same scene stretches out for miles in all directions. and i am completely alone in that world. just me and the stars and my thoughts and all that i believe in. i thought maybe in somewhere so different, so mystical, i will feel so different that i truly become a different person. (haha this is so hard to put down in words, but i will continue cuz it doesnt really matter if you get it or not.)
to me, that scene metaphorizes(?) loneliness. scary, chilling, but oh so beautiful. it's like how some people may prefer night to day, when everything is quiet and still for once and it's easy to find yourself alone.
or maybe night is only beautiful when there is the promise of the light of day. after all, living in darkness forever is a dreadful thought. likewise, maybe loneliness is only beautiful when you are sure that someday it will be replaced by something else. cause hell, no one can live alone.

so when i'm sort of done appreciating the night, i can only hope that dawn will follow.

i realize that i fantasize alot. not sexual fantasies la, i know all you sick pple out there are gonna jump straight to that conclusion haha. but my fantasies are no less embarrassing, at least to me, and i will not divulge them ever. haha okay maybe to a few special pple whom i know won't laugh at me. or at least i wont care if they laugh.
they're embarrassing because they go against what people think of me. there's really nothing wrong with them, not morally or anything, but they speak of someone who doesnt seem like myself at all. ughh maybe i'm just surpressing my true character haha. hiding it under a dark, perhaps overly-practical and proud surface. owells.
because the days have been so bloody hot recently, the sky was really clear tonight, at least at changi. it was really pretty nice, and i would have stopped to admire it all if i wasnt so scared that someone would kidnap me along that dark deserted path haha. east coast is rising in appeal to me, just that its damn far away.
tmr i get my first chance to watch a real surgery, probably the removal of a thyroglossal cyst. a pretty rare case apparantly, since these come in only once every 6 months. EXCITED heh. hope it lives up to my expectations though.