it's like i cant stop i cant pull myself away and turn back although i think i know where this is going and i am just going further and further into the deep dark rabbit hole where it twists and turns and i can never find the way to the light of day again. the little firefly leads me deeper into the ground and i follow, willingly.

regret because i am so not ready for any of this. it's baseline stimulation so far, slowly building up and one day i believe it will hit threshold and all the channels will open at once and flood me with an electrical current so strong i fear permanant damage. and still i venture further, willingly.

i hate that i cannot trust in permanance, in forever. oh i wish i could give it my all but no one can convince me that things are never gonna change. and so i hold back, and people hurt. i doubt, and i hurt. i wanna live in the here and now but i cant, i think too much. i want to twist situations, alas, i am not kimpossible. i want things that i cannot have, and i wallow in longing, willingly.

i wonder if i said things i shouldnt have said, did things i shouldnt have done. more than a tad foolish, because like it or not, i affect people. and because i cannot detach myself, these people 's feelings become extensions of my worry. i should have been wiser, should have thought more, but i plod on recklessly. somethings we never give up, some things we never forget, and these memories and feelings that persist into eternity are the worst ones to be feared. like the grudge that you never lose sight of, or the love you never gave up on, or the experiences that continue to recur in nightmares.

my thoughts they are random, they are disjointed, they reek of misery and desolation. what i would do for myself not to be such an open book. the smallest triggers, like a few well phrased sentences, or the stillness and silence of an empty home. i wonder if i'm intrinsically depressed and when i'm around people i moderate myself to be more normal. talk of masks and facades, i dont think i wanna repeat what others have said.

yet i repeat myself over and over again, my world now revolves around the same few things. i get sick of thinking about the same things, writing about the same things, just like you would reading and hearing about the same things. maybe we should just both give up, don't you think things would be easier that way? but while you will move on to the next more interesting thing in your life, i linger here, because my thoughts are all i have now and they refuse to leave, like the devil's grip (not bornholm's).

and then its not so bad. i think, if i were starving, homeless, needy, these would be the last things on my mind. so should i be thankful that this is all that troubles me? the misery of having. its like how obesity is replacing starvation in the developed world. one problem for another. you'd think one is more easily controlled than the other, but if it were that easy, would it still be a problem?

this is so narcissistic, making everything about me. most of the time, i think about me, i worry about my problems. i even like to hear about me, but i suspect that i'm not the only one. you know you listen to songs, and you relate it to yourself and your problems? we particularly like it when it strikes a chord with what's been on our minds. that's the way it is, thats the way it works. but i dont like it sometimes, it makes me feel all small and petty.

this is turning out to be worse than i expected it to be. all the negativity is pouring out now and instead of studying i am going on and on and on about mazes and tunnels. i know i'm venturing into one now and still i go willingly.

mazes: one way in, one endpoint, one way out. i've gone in, i cant find the point, i refuse to get out and so i wander through the passages like how my thought processes run. they get stopped in dead ends and make wrong turns again and again and somehow i never learn. even if i wanted to get out, i probably cant find the way, but the worst part is, i do it all so willingly.

the reason i keep harping on willingly is because i just recently realised that i have control over myself. that sounds like the lamest thing to realise but how often do we do things against our better judgement? i often know what i'm doing is not good, but yet i do it and i dont understand why. i am willing without a good reason and maybe thats the stupidest thing ever because we should all do things for a reason. a good one.

which brings me to the point about judgements and reasoning. we don't, i don't trust anyone's judgement fully, not even my own. because reasoning and logic has its limits. love, i think, is logic-less. but i havent have had the good/bad fortune of falling so deep that logic is beyond me. and so i reason with myself, and i am practical. this is what i tell myself, and then the foolish, willing, me eschews all prior logic to do the exact opposite.

i am unwillingly willing.
(this makes complete sense to me now)

i hate, and i think i love.

i think, but i want to forget.

i consider positives, then i dwell on negatives.

i fear, that i seem brave.

i doubt, if i can trust.

i will, once i've thought of a good reason.




this is amazing i've never written so much before i think. this is pathetic too, i sound pathetic.

i am contradictory.

it's like i cant stop i cant pull myself away and turn back although i think i know where this is going and i am just going further and further into the deep dark rabbit hole where it twists and turns and i can never find the way to the light of day again. the little firefly leads me deeper into the ground and i follow, willingly.

regret because i am so not ready for any of this. it's baseline stimulation so far, slowly building up and one day i believe it will hit threshold and all the channels will open at once and flood me with an electrical current so strong i fear permanant damage. and still i venture further, willingly.

i hate that i cannot trust in permanance, in forever. oh i wish i could give it my all but no one can convince me that things are never gonna change. and so i hold back, and people hurt. i doubt, and i hurt. i wanna live in the here and now but i cant, i think too much. i want to twist situations, alas, i am not kimpossible. i want things that i cannot have, and i wallow in longing, willingly.

i wonder if i said things i shouldnt have said, did things i shouldnt have done. more than a tad foolish, because like it or not, i affect people. and because i cannot detach myself, these people 's feelings become extensions of my worry. i should have been wiser, should have thought more, but i plod on recklessly. somethings we never give up, some things we never forget, and these memories and feelings that persist into eternity are the worst ones to be feared. like the grudge that you never lose sight of, or the love you never gave up on, or the experiences that continue to recur in nightmares.

my thoughts they are random, they are disjointed, they reek of misery and desolation. what i would do for myself not to be such an open book. the smallest triggers, like a few well phrased sentences, or the stillness and silence of an empty home. i wonder if i'm intrinsically depressed and when i'm around people i moderate myself to be more normal. talk of masks and facades, i dont think i wanna repeat what others have said.

yet i repeat myself over and over again, my world now revolves around the same few things. i get sick of thinking about the same things, writing about the same things, just like you would reading and hearing about the same things. maybe we should just both give up, don't you think things would be easier that way? but while you will move on to the next more interesting thing in your life, i linger here, because my thoughts are all i have now and they refuse to leave, like the devil's grip (not bornholm's).

and then its not so bad. i think, if i were starving, homeless, needy, these would be the last things on my mind. so should i be thankful that this is all that troubles me? the misery of having. its like how obesity is replacing starvation in the developed world. one problem for another. you'd think one is more easily controlled than the other, but if it were that easy, would it still be a problem?

this is so narcissistic, making everything about me. most of the time, i think about me, i worry about my problems. i even like to hear about me, but i suspect that i'm not the only one. you know you listen to songs, and you relate it to yourself and your problems? we particularly like it when it strikes a chord with what's been on our minds. that's the way it is, thats the way it works. but i dont like it sometimes, it makes me feel all small and petty.

this is turning out to be worse than i expected it to be. all the negativity is pouring out now and instead of studying i am going on and on and on about mazes and tunnels. i know i'm venturing into one now and still i go willingly.

mazes: one way in, one endpoint, one way out. i've gone in, i cant find the point, i refuse to get out and so i wander through the passages like how my thought processes run. they get stopped in dead ends and make wrong turns again and again and somehow i never learn. even if i wanted to get out, i probably cant find the way, but the worst part is, i do it all so willingly.

the reason i keep harping on willingly is because i just recently realised that i have control over myself. that sounds like the lamest thing to realise but how often do we do things against our better judgement? i often know what i'm doing is not good, but yet i do it and i dont understand why. i am willing without a good reason and maybe thats the stupidest thing ever because we should all do things for a reason. a good one.

which brings me to the point about judgements and reasoning. we don't, i don't trust anyone's judgement fully, not even my own. because reasoning and logic has its limits. love, i think, is logic-less. but i havent have had the good/bad fortune of falling so deep that logic is beyond me. and so i reason with myself, and i am practical. this is what i tell myself, and then the foolish, willing, me eschews all prior logic to do the exact opposite.

i am unwillingly willing.
(this makes complete sense to me now)

i hate, and i think i love.

i think, but i want to forget.

i consider positives, then i dwell on negatives.

i fear, that i seem brave.

i doubt, if i can trust.

i will, once i've thought of a good reason.




this is amazing i've never written so much before i think. this is pathetic too, i sound pathetic.

i am contradictory.