i dont like myself. not very much, alot of the time.

i think i ask for too much.

or maybe not. maybe these things are just not meant for me.

it's not fair.



i am stuck in a rut i cannot get out of. i thought i'd finally freed myself, but looks like i was wrong. looks like i'll always be deep dark and twisty. why do i do this to myself why why why. i wish i could lie down and sleep for a long time. i'm tired of having to deal with this world.


it's down to this
i've got to make this life make sense
can anyone tell what i've done
i miss the life
i miss the colours of the world
can anyone tell me where i am

cause now again i've found myself
so far down, away from the sun
that shines into the darkest place
i'm so far down, away from the sun again
away from the sun again

i'm over this
i'm tired of living in the dark
can anyone see me down here
the feeling's gone
there's nothing left to lift me up
back into the world i know

and now again i've found myself
so far down, away from the sun
that shines into the darkest place
i'm so far down, away from the sun
that shines to light the way for me
to find my way back into the arms
that care about the ones like me
i'm so far down, away from the sun again.
i am caring less and less. i am giving up. i am not willing to push myself harder to try and maintain the results i used to get.

i will ignore it when people say that i will do terrifically well. i will not listen when they say i study alot, because only i know how much effort i put in.

i know i can push harder, not by spending more time studying, but by actually wanting to remember things. right now, i'm just lazy.

i will have to decide if i'm content with things this way. i loathe to set any targets for myself, for fear that if i fall short, i will lose the confidence i have in myself. so, i tell myself not to have any expectations, but i do anyway.

perhaps i started too early, so i'm bored to bits now, burnout they call it. it's pretty bad. not like i remember what i read ages ago anyway. ugh this is such a boring post its meant for my eyes only. to remind me a week later, that my will to get things done, is the most important factor.

so i will get through these 2 days and try my best to motivate myself, take the papers on monday and hope for the best, and start on a clean slate soon.

expectations, perfectionism, competitiveness, go to hell.
since the neuro paper is on friday, i have another neuro analogy about myself. even if you couldnt care less about me, take it as a lesson in neuroscience, which is pretty cool if you dont have to memorise long names like dorsal column medial lemniscus pathway.

ALLODYNIA
situation in which non-noxious stimuli ie touch, causes pain.

under persistant strong stimulation (me in a lousy mood because of a whole day of studying for example), wide dynamic range(WDR) neurons of the spinal cord change such that they are now able to be stimulated by non-noxious stimuli like touch (anyone who does anything that i just cant stand at that point in time. these things arent even a legitimate cause of distress.) under normal circumstances, WDR neurons never respond to noxious stimuli. (if i were rational these things wouldnt even bother me in the least.)

point is, this is a problem of the CNS (me) not the non-noxious stimuli(other people). so do pardon me.


this is how sick i am of studying, and how much of a nerd i've become. i hope i dont keep coming up with analogies like that for the rest of my life. it reeks of.. no life.

on another note, i want. so many things. some things i cant have, ever. some things i cant have, now. some things are there for my taking, i dont know why i'm not going for them. i want for people to read my mind, for things to happen exactly the way i envision them. i am being completely ridiculous here i know, for no one knows what's going through my mind, except me. still, i will not ask i will not beg i will not hint i will not suggest. because otherwise it defeats the purpose and i just feel so damn demanding and what if i just made you do something you didnt really want to do for me but you were just inclined to because its only polite?

to my friend, who thinks he knows what i am talking about sometimes: my posts might not be as direct as yours, but sometimes what i say is only about this, or that, or whatever, too. :)
thus the second lesson my friends, don't read too much into what i say, its just my excess thoughts at the end of the day, when i am not too coherent.
i hate guessing and speculating and not knowing for sure.

you ponder, and wonder, and your mind oscillates between the possibilities. you calculate risks and weigh pros and cons, and still you are left with no real answer. even if one possibility seems more likely than the other, there's always that what if. that one in a million. and so, you let it consume your mind.

and hoping. hoping is worse. because there's that element of wanting a particular outcome. if what you hope for seems totally impossible, you will still harbour that little bit of hope. you know, just in case. and the worst? it's when what you hope for seems like a near certainty, then bam the whole thing suddenly flips over and whacks you square on the back of your head.
that has got to hurt.

but pandora's box, remember. for where would the world be without that bit of hope?


(i actually did some research on wikipedia in case i remembered the story wrongly. the interpretations of hope being trapped in the box are rather interesting. i chose the optimistic version, which is apparantly also the one most commonly used. fascinating.)
do i need to go to extremes to make you care about me. to make you notice me. how loud do i need to cry out for you to realise that i need you to be there for me. just because i look fine, i tell you i'm fine doesnt mean i am. even if i tell you to go away, don't.

stay with me.

i wish you were around more often. i just want your physical presence. ironic how the only people that will always be around, are never around. this matters more than you think it does, i guess we never know till its well and truly gone.

i am such a little girl, sometimes.
sometimes i wanna say: fuck it/you/her/him.

but i dont.

i think it sounds too harsh, coming from me.

but sometimes, just SOMETIMES, its appropriate.

like now.

fuck it.








but i cant.



words are empty, thoughts are useless, promises fleeting. it's blood i'm after.
worry the worm
is crawling in my head
gnawing at neurons
how i wish it were DEAD.

haha i am in a surprisingly alright mood now, i just need to stop thinking. and STUDY.
to brighten up my weekend i shall:
1) try and take my bro's bmw out for a spin, top down, minus P plates :) (yes, i now drive without a P plate, everyone beware haha.)
2) get my rollerblades out of the boot of my car and blade around nus late late at night, just cuz i can.
3) umm.

ahh the small things i have to resort to, amidst this drudgery.

AND i need more moneyyyy. esp after the tragic incident involving my bedcovers. i WANT nice white earphones. i NEED nice white earphones.

everybody wants to live
how they wanna live
everybody wants to love
like they wanna love
and everybody wants to be
closer to free.
once, i cried because i was so happy. tears of sadness, everyones done that. this was totally different.

twice, i've felt so contented with the world it was mind-blowing exhilarating breath-taking. oh sure i feel happy and satisfied often enough, but the magnitude? nowhere near.

last time, i could sit and imagine heaven, and for a fleeting moment, i'd get a tingly feeling imagining an eternity of happiness. i'd imagine myself swimming in the crystal clear waters of a river, and not fearing that the good times would end. ever since i turned 12, try as i might, i've never been able to conjure up the same amazing high anymore.

before, death never scared me. i was pretty convinced that i was headed for a better place, nth really in this world i would miss. right now, i'm not so sure that's where i'm going. i want more than anything, to be assured.

i don't want to sleep now i want to think. i want to feel the way i did before.

well i finally read the good book
and i took a good long hard look
at what i'd do if i could do it all over again

and then
i went sky diving
i went rocky mountain climbing
i went 2.7 seconds on a bull named fumanchu
and i loved deeper and i spoke sweeter
and i gave forgiveness i'd been denying
and he said someday i hope you get the chance
to live like you were dying

like tomorrow was a gift and you got eternity to think about
what'd you do with it what did you do with it
what did i do with it
what would i do with it

morbid as it may seem, i think i should do just that.
no fears, no regrets.
i am histamine
find yourself flushed
and breathless
but watch out
for i potentiate pain.

i am enkephalin
to modulate that pain
but you go into shock
not feeling a thing
while your systems shut down.

i am morphine
to make you forget everything else
addictive
but stick around too long
and the side effects kick in.

i could be useful,
i could be terrible.


omg i sound SO screwed up like i'm trying to scare everyone away. i'm okay. i'm really not weird, most of the time.
i'm okay.
pain modulation and opoids are getting to me.
consumed whole by guilt and fear.

it's coming to get me i need to run.






it's like i cant stop i cant pull myself away and turn back although i think i know where this is going and i am just going further and further into the deep dark rabbit hole where it twists and turns and i can never find the way to the light of day again. the little firefly leads me deeper into the ground and i follow, willingly.

regret because i am so not ready for any of this. it's baseline stimulation so far, slowly building up and one day i believe it will hit threshold and all the channels will open at once and flood me with an electrical current so strong i fear permanant damage. and still i venture further, willingly.

i hate that i cannot trust in permanance, in forever. oh i wish i could give it my all but no one can convince me that things are never gonna change. and so i hold back, and people hurt. i doubt, and i hurt. i wanna live in the here and now but i cant, i think too much. i want to twist situations, alas, i am not kimpossible. i want things that i cannot have, and i wallow in longing, willingly.

i wonder if i said things i shouldnt have said, did things i shouldnt have done. more than a tad foolish, because like it or not, i affect people. and because i cannot detach myself, these people 's feelings become extensions of my worry. i should have been wiser, should have thought more, but i plod on recklessly. somethings we never give up, some things we never forget, and these memories and feelings that persist into eternity are the worst ones to be feared. like the grudge that you never lose sight of, or the love you never gave up on, or the experiences that continue to recur in nightmares.

my thoughts they are random, they are disjointed, they reek of misery and desolation. what i would do for myself not to be such an open book. the smallest triggers, like a few well phrased sentences, or the stillness and silence of an empty home. i wonder if i'm intrinsically depressed and when i'm around people i moderate myself to be more normal. talk of masks and facades, i dont think i wanna repeat what others have said.

yet i repeat myself over and over again, my world now revolves around the same few things. i get sick of thinking about the same things, writing about the same things, just like you would reading and hearing about the same things. maybe we should just both give up, don't you think things would be easier that way? but while you will move on to the next more interesting thing in your life, i linger here, because my thoughts are all i have now and they refuse to leave, like the devil's grip (not bornholm's).

and then its not so bad. i think, if i were starving, homeless, needy, these would be the last things on my mind. so should i be thankful that this is all that troubles me? the misery of having. its like how obesity is replacing starvation in the developed world. one problem for another. you'd think one is more easily controlled than the other, but if it were that easy, would it still be a problem?

this is so narcissistic, making everything about me. most of the time, i think about me, i worry about my problems. i even like to hear about me, but i suspect that i'm not the only one. you know you listen to songs, and you relate it to yourself and your problems? we particularly like it when it strikes a chord with what's been on our minds. that's the way it is, thats the way it works. but i dont like it sometimes, it makes me feel all small and petty.

this is turning out to be worse than i expected it to be. all the negativity is pouring out now and instead of studying i am going on and on and on about mazes and tunnels. i know i'm venturing into one now and still i go willingly.

mazes: one way in, one endpoint, one way out. i've gone in, i cant find the point, i refuse to get out and so i wander through the passages like how my thought processes run. they get stopped in dead ends and make wrong turns again and again and somehow i never learn. even if i wanted to get out, i probably cant find the way, but the worst part is, i do it all so willingly.

the reason i keep harping on willingly is because i just recently realised that i have control over myself. that sounds like the lamest thing to realise but how often do we do things against our better judgement? i often know what i'm doing is not good, but yet i do it and i dont understand why. i am willing without a good reason and maybe thats the stupidest thing ever because we should all do things for a reason. a good one.

which brings me to the point about judgements and reasoning. we don't, i don't trust anyone's judgement fully, not even my own. because reasoning and logic has its limits. love, i think, is logic-less. but i havent have had the good/bad fortune of falling so deep that logic is beyond me. and so i reason with myself, and i am practical. this is what i tell myself, and then the foolish, willing, me eschews all prior logic to do the exact opposite.

i am unwillingly willing.
(this makes complete sense to me now)

i hate, and i think i love.

i think, but i want to forget.

i consider positives, then i dwell on negatives.

i fear, that i seem brave.

i doubt, if i can trust.

i will, once i've thought of a good reason.




this is amazing i've never written so much before i think. this is pathetic too, i sound pathetic.

i am contradictory.



so many places to be.






















but so many things here to do.



what do stars do?
they shine.

i dont like myself. not very much, alot of the time.

i think i ask for too much.

or maybe not. maybe these things are just not meant for me.

it's not fair.



i am stuck in a rut i cannot get out of. i thought i'd finally freed myself, but looks like i was wrong. looks like i'll always be deep dark and twisty. why do i do this to myself why why why. i wish i could lie down and sleep for a long time. i'm tired of having to deal with this world.


it's down to this
i've got to make this life make sense
can anyone tell what i've done
i miss the life
i miss the colours of the world
can anyone tell me where i am

cause now again i've found myself
so far down, away from the sun
that shines into the darkest place
i'm so far down, away from the sun again
away from the sun again

i'm over this
i'm tired of living in the dark
can anyone see me down here
the feeling's gone
there's nothing left to lift me up
back into the world i know

and now again i've found myself
so far down, away from the sun
that shines into the darkest place
i'm so far down, away from the sun
that shines to light the way for me
to find my way back into the arms
that care about the ones like me
i'm so far down, away from the sun again.