BLACKS FUN TOUCH at saint andrews village.

where i reluctantly joined a team in the men's category. luckily i wasnt the only girl. but it was a pretty good day in the sun. happy to see shan and mongs there! next time ex-hc team okayyy haha. now for peekchures of this pretty day.

thats all folks i'm tireddd.

now if she does it like this will you do it like that.
now if she touches like this, will you touch her right back.
now if she moves like this, will you move it like that.

2 days to guilt-free fun!! :)

results of my medical specialty aptitude test haha. right now i want anything SURGICAL, but who knows, maybe something will change my mind in the years to come.
but as of this moment, plastic surgery suits me just fine. so what if it takes the most number of years to specialize in huh. note fam med's right at the bottom haha.

for anyone interested: http://www.med-ed.virginia.edu/specialties/Home.cfm.

see if you like what you get haha.

Rank	Specialty	Score
1	plastic surgery	42
2	urology	41
3	radiology	39
4	nuclear med	39
5	ophthalmology	39
6	gastroenterology	38
7	anesthesiology	38
8	dermatology	37
9	colon & rectal surgery	37
10	general surgery	37
11	otolaryngology	36
12	orthopaedic surgery	36
13	neurology	35
14	thoracic surgery	35
15	endocrinology	35
16	cardiology	34
17	pulmonology	34
18	emergency med	34
19	radiation oncology	33
20	obstetrics/gynecology	33
21	psychiatry	33
22	neurosurgery	33
23	aerospace med	32
24	pathology	32
25	infectious disease	32
26	hematology	32
27	allergy & immunology	31
28	rheumatology	31
29	physical med & rehabilitation	31
30	pediatrics	31
31	occupational med	29
32	general internal med	29
33	nephrology	28
34	med oncology	28
35	preventive med	27
36	family practice	26

ughh i just ate a tremendous amount of food. within an hour. SIGH. and i am not looking forward to sch tmr. somehow medicine seems to be the same thing over and over again. i hope we get to watch another surgery though. ortho surg should be nice, bloody and interesting haha. and i've got my eye on the scrubs. i shall become cristina yang hehheh.

mother's day picsss.

wanted to go long beach at dempsey but then found out they only have set menus and my mom is quite anti-chinese restaurant so we went to find another place in dempsey to eat. since its HER day anw haha.
settled on wine company finally, and it was nearly 10 when we sat down tgt outdoors. they only had sharing platters so we ordered a couple before the kitchen closed. and a bottle of sparkling red wine at my recommendation! haha.
nice and cosy. wouldve liked indoors better but it was full.
nigey wigey and i haha.
and our FOOD. the food was good la. portions werent too small and most dishes tasted really good. esp the pizza i think. thin crust and herb-y.
after dinner, a nice tortoise-shell cat sidled up and my mom spent the next half hour with it haha. but it was really very sweet.
and my pweeetyy mommy with the carnation wine co gave out to all mothers there. my grandfather says i look like her. hahahah.
missed most of the man u wigan match, but it was worth it la. man u won anyway so it's alright. at least i got to catch the end, with alex ferguson bouncing up and down in glee. quite funny haha.

damn i just found out the party theme is pop stars not just stars. cannot be cristina yang alr sighh.
so prawning last night netted me a grand total of.. FIVE prawns in 3 hours. hahaha okay fine i'm very noob. but then its my first time. at least now i know that i should jerk the rod when i feel a pull, and make sure the bait is well threaded so that the prawns dont make off with the bait unscathed. tricksy little things disappeared with my bait like at least 5 times haha.
and i overcame my fear of prawn feelers! haha ever since my mom tried to make me peel prawns for cooking ages ago i've never been able to touch prawn feelers without feeling all tingly. but last night i was BRAVE i learnt how to pull the hook from the prawn. quite a feat esp since some of them have PINCERS (i apologise to my greedy friends for i know that immediately made you think of chili crab haha). and the prawns jerk and thrash about waving their claws and snapping them at your fingers.

then they have barbeque grills at the back
for you to cook your prawns on the rack.
however, you first have to skewer them with a satay stick,
something that i find is just plain sick.
and so my neighbours were shocked to see
me setting those 5 dear prawns free
where they swam away in perfect glee
bound to find out that they've escaped only me (ie they're probably swimming in someone elses gastric juices now)

haha pardon my sudden wish to rhyme, it must be today's rare lightness of mind. HAHA.

and here i have my first prawn! caught within minutes, after which there was an incredibly dry spell haha.
and the total takings for the night in the net, although you cant really see them.

i'm a new soul
i came to this strange world
hoping i could learn a bit bout how to give and take
but since i came here, felt the joy and the fear
finding myself making every possible mistake

la, la, la, la
la, la, la, la

see i'm a young soul in this very strange world
hoping i could learn a bit bout what is true and fake
but why all this hate? try to communicate
finding trust and love is not always easy to make

a very me song, according to someone who i think knows me well enough.

oh i nearly forgot tmr is mothers day. overly commercialised so we really shouldnt buy into the whole flowers/chocolates/dinner thing right. and mothers always claim that they dont want presents they just want (pick one or several) their kids to (1) not argue back/ (2) study hard/ (3) create less work for them/ (4) do household chores everyday.
but seriously how many of us actually make a daily effort to do any of these? by this i mean doing these things just because they would make your mother happier and not because she nags alot. so actually i think its pretty justified for one day to be set aside to remind them that we feel guilty for not managing to do what we're supposed to. after all, there's always IDEAL and then there's PRACTICAL. i'm sure that when we actually consider it, most of us think that our mothers deserve the best from us, but its not a thought that is constantly on our minds. especially when what she wants us to do at that time isnt high on our priority list.

so tmr there'll still be dinner at dempsey, and i will attempt to decorate a vase or smth for my mom to display the roses i bought for her in her shop. haha okay so its one rose so far to cheer her up cuz she was feeling stressed. but i used to give them to her quite regularly. i think i'll get back into that habit soon, because my mom is DAMN FREAKING BRILLIANT hahaha. love her love her love her. i need to have meals with her more regularly, just to catch up. i'm proud to say that i'm starting to help her more with the laundry too. :)

haha the reason i say shes freaking brilliant is because she is:
- my ultimate listening ear
- oh so corny that its actually funny
- full of wise words that make sense
- my source of money haha
- independent
- hot and funky heh
- very trusting (because i'm trustworthy la hehheh)

i could go on and on but then i think freaking brilliant says it all alr. i remember in sec 4 i had to write some composition abt someone that inspired me, and i wrote abt my mom. my teacher was extremely impressed and she said that she really wished her daughter would feel the same way about her next time.

ahh my mommy rocks la haha.
okay okay i know. winning at mj doesnt mean that i can start lusting after highly priced items. unless i've been playing $20/$40 la, which i would never try. amw i doubt anyone would dare to play that with me, even though high risk means high returns according to someone haha. still, because i am bored now i can do this sort of rubbish, smth i've never done before.
so here goes, my list of things-that-would-be-in-my-possession-if-i-were-rich.

number one (and most necessary): ipod nano 8gb, because i reaaallyyy need more space to store my songs. i think 4gb limits me too much. in a nice red to match my room.

number two: wallet! frivolous really. but i have a thing for distressed leather and simplicity. actually this is quite a need, considering that the silver is fading in patches from my wallet now, to a not so pretty khaki.
number three: spotted while i was searching for images to represent my wish for a wallet, a bag! totally my kind, with the shoulder strap thing, slightly rugged-ish.

number four: and then i saw THIS. which is alot more practical and easy to match. given my lack of funding this makes alot more sense to buy. just that i cant afford either anyway so i dunno why i'm even saying all this haha. but i really REALLY want this.




number five: a classic something i think. tiffany charm, like the one lost some time ago. i promise to take really good care of this if i get it! haha darn just makes me think of all the mistakes that i've made. moments that you wish you could go back and change just by a little bit, that would make such a large difference.


sighh sometimes i really think its better to not know and not want. ignorance really is bliss. like if you've experienced the best, you'll somehow never be satisfied with anything less next time. there are exceptions i guess, but i think generally if you arent exposed to smth, you wont exactly hanker after it.

anw, i hope i know what i'm doing.
i'm sure that i will always be
a lonely number like root three.

a three is all that's good and right
why must my three keep out of sight
beneath the vicious square root sign
i wish instead i were a nine.

for nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic.

i know i'll never see the sun
as 1.7321.
such is my reality
a sad irrationality.

when hark! what is this i see
another square root of a three.

as quietly co-waltzing by
together now we multiply
to form a number we prefer
rejoicing as an integer.

we break free from our mortal bonds,
with the wave of magic wands.

our square root signs become unglued
your love for me has been renewed.

haha this is a damn hilarious poem, and totally sweet because of how nerdy it is. i think i will never be a nine. its stupid shows like this that promote the notion of love at first sight. who would've thought harold and kumar can actually be read into huh. ugh but that is so not the point of the movie. fine la it's a good show, extremely sick though haha.
blading's the new obsession. and of course the good food places it can bring you to. off to trng now though. byeeeeee.
i'm really very happy with my life now haha. feels like a really good mix of fun and learning. okay probably too much fun cuz i havent touched my books for a couple of days now, nor done anything remotely med related the moment i step out of hospital. but its just csfc, its time to just eeeaaassee into things heh.

speaking of happy i think theres nothing nicer than watching someone you care for smile and say that they are happy. i do that occasionally, announce to whoever's listening that the world is perfect right at that instant. (tends to happen when i take my first bite of azabu sabo ice cream haha) and i want to hear the person i like do just that. even better if i'm the reason for that happiness. hurhur i'm such a sappy idiot.

another random issue: i'm really beginning to think that things happen when you least expect it. treasures really do fall from the sky and land in ur lap. but likewise anvils also fall and land on your head haha. so there's no point waiting and wishing and expecting because, there is just no point. so hard as it may be to just sit back and do nothing, it's probably the best thing to do.

yet another related random issue: sometimes we want someone there for us, and this want is so intense we're willing to compromise on certain things, be it our pride or our personal standards. but i read this in the newspaper, something ashley alexandra dupre (yes, the callgirl linked to eliot spitzer) said. "if you are in a relationship, and it is doing absolutely nothing for you, and just makes you feel bad about yourself or cause unnecessary drama... why would you want that? you need to surround yourself with the people that make you feel good, and that will help you get to that next step in your life."
i think thats so incredibly true, and it applies to any sort of relationship with people, even friendship. we all need people who make us feel like we are worth something. anything less and we become psychologically damaged, even if we dont realise it. so hang in there, hold on for the people that will do that for you.

and as a side note, i will be suitably touched by someone who sings "everything" by michael buble to me, and mean it.
i realize that i fantasize alot. not sexual fantasies la, i know all you sick pple out there are gonna jump straight to that conclusion haha. but my fantasies are no less embarrassing, at least to me, and i will not divulge them ever. haha okay maybe to a few special pple whom i know won't laugh at me. or at least i wont care if they laugh.
they're embarrassing because they go against what people think of me. there's really nothing wrong with them, not morally or anything, but they speak of someone who doesnt seem like myself at all. ughh maybe i'm just surpressing my true character haha. hiding it under a dark, perhaps overly-practical and proud surface. owells.
because the days have been so bloody hot recently, the sky was really clear tonight, at least at changi. it was really pretty nice, and i would have stopped to admire it all if i wasnt so scared that someone would kidnap me along that dark deserted path haha. east coast is rising in appeal to me, just that its damn far away.
tmr i get my first chance to watch a real surgery, probably the removal of a thyroglossal cyst. a pretty rare case apparantly, since these come in only once every 6 months. EXCITED heh. hope it lives up to my expectations though.
ahh damn shag la. it was a full day of touch at smu touchdown 2008. excessive sun (very burnt and black now), sand (abrasions here and there) and dubious calls made, some by me i am ashamed to say haha. but then i think cannot help it la. cuz its impossible to catch every infringement going at that pace. even if you did catch them, you'd be interrupting the play so much that it'll be quite ridiculous. so i think as long as the uncertain calls are made equally for both teams, its not so bad haha. (this is how i make myself feel better heh.) but seriously its damn hard to ref beach touch you always get yelled at no matter what. oh wells worth it for $64!! :)


heehee dont mind me. anw tmr i have a SEVEN THIRTY AM to FIVE PM day dammit. and gonna try clerking another case aft sch too. i should sleep now i'm extremely tired alr. and my body is currently a heat radiator sighh.
but things to look forward to next week:
tennis
maybe mambo?
hopefully another blading session

good enough to get me thru the week. :)
i feel like a log haha. my sleep cycle is so screwed up its amazing. like a jet lag of 12hrs between weekdays and weekends. but nvm, all in the name of blading, good food, mahjong and good dessert. so much for eating like a bird la. more like an ostrich, or great eagle. i imagine they eat alot too given their size haha.

repeat after me: i am going to be a bird. i am going to be a bird. i am going to be a bird. hahaha in terms of the amount they eat i mean. no more finishing 2 chocolate bars at a go, or stuffing my face with decadent canele chocolate cakes and macarons (heavenly btw haha), or milky red and green bean desserts. instead i will have healthy yoghurt with oats, multigrain bread with turkey breast, or yong tau foo. and I WILL BE HAPPY ABOUT IT. at least i will try haha.
days have been good, because packed activity full days are good.
so, this shall be a colourful entry haha.

dessert with stump, because i cannot send her off tmr. :(
canele --> what's good enough for pierre herme is good enough for me! haha.
the famous macarons, in pistachio and hazelnut yumyum. bit different from the one i had in paris though.
thick chocolate cake that was too dry for stump's liking. but still good nonetheless haha.
playing with macarons, much to the amusement of others haha.

i'm sorry i cant be there to send you off tmr stump! you know that i want to haha. and no defu lane before you go too. :( but nvm i will make sure yuhui tells you all the good places to shop and eat at, and you can buy nice cheap things for me too haha. email more, or skype!! love yaaa and take care. :)

and more hospital things, of us in scrubs. i think i will like this after all haha. i want to live in these next time. they make me feel good. my CG pro siaaa haha.
okay kind of silly but i like the walkway effect haha. note my croc-like shoes, which were too small for me actually.

and on fri night, mich's party at butter where she arrived 2 hours LATE tsk. so we sat around on the see-saw and swings.
birthday(in2hrstime) girl. JOHN TAN.

one escape not present then, but still very much in our hearts and on our minds all the time.
GOING,


GOING,
GONE. hahaha.nice deco in butter.to dearest long john/michelle tan, may you have a wonderful 21st. i suppose ur party was alr highly memorable, or maybe you can barely remember anything haha. i still remember the birthday where we stripped and floured you and gave you a box to run abt hwa chong in. those were the days indeed, of chapteh and reading room nonsense. even though i don't talk to you often now, i hope you know that i'm always here should you need me. and its very nice to catch up with you, and update each other about our current status. i hope your status will stay this way for a long long time though, because you seem to be in bliss at last haha. hang in there for ur exams, and here's to a smooth sailing life and many more years of friendship. LOVESSSS. :)
(eee so mushy haha you better appreciate this.)

on to anne's birthday on sat, where i rushed to get a bunch of balloons to tie to her car. i really like this one haha.
after stuffing them in her car.

and then she treated us to a singapore flyer ride!! excitingggg haha. it's nice and romantic la.
this is around the top.
the roads look damn nice, awash with lights.


coming down not so exciting alr. esp cuz facing the sea now. i suppose it'll be better in the day cuz can look across the sea.

then cake time with a surprisingly good hans chocolate cake.
surprised with the balloons and vouchers!
sunday got woken up by my brother who was FINALLY free to go blading with me. so we seized the opportunity to go east coast. 4km along east coast, then 7km to changi beach park, 4km along changi beach, 5km to bedok resevoir park, and about another 15km more along other park connectors back to east coast. apart from the heat and numerous abrasions, we had lots of fun. of course we took breaks for drinks and plasters and ice creams haha. so about 4 hours in total. now my adductor muscles ache haha. but i cant wait to do it again, this fri or sat maybe? :)
ride back top down. good brother-sister bonding indeed. too bad it only happens when his gf abandons him for the day haha.
tmr is ortho posting, 8.30-4. will start my bird routine, with toki tima match at yck in the evening. please please dont rain haha i'm really looking forward to this. :)

seems like deep down i'm a bimbo, because the words are in rainbow gradients haha. song of the moment:
everything you ever wanted from this life is gonna happen right now
oooh those loves turn to highs
and the temperatures rise
better reach for the skies
and raise up the ceiling.

because there ain't no party like the party going on in my house
better believe that it's gonna be the biggest night of the year
because there ain't no party like the party going on in my house
but it would be so much better if you were only here
if only you were here.


i've been requested to make an entry that isnt depressing or melancholy so here goes my attempt at the superficial. more for remembering that things do turn out okay, no matter how bad you think they will be, because we can never predict how things will turn out. which is why looking forward to things too much is bad, cuz there's a higher chance that you'll be let down.

so two 8am-6pm days in the hospital have passed, punctuated by 2 hr lunch breaks that could've been longer just that we were pressured to be hardworking and clerk more patients. so many things i've heard from various consultants, registrars, m3s. probably the only thing that is common to the advice is that there's a long LONG way to go and we never stop learning. we never stop being the most junior pple in the ward, we never stop observing. some say that we're just starting out and we should go slow, get a feel of things. at the same time, we're told to do as much as we can, finish reading impossibly thick textbooks, and then read them again. so obviously theres the bare minimum we can do now to pass this course, and there's the other extreme of pushing the limits to set a good foundation. what i wish our mentor had told us is what is reasonable. what will make us knowledgeable enough to enter proper postings as useful contributors to the wards, yet keep us sane, considering that other people are starting their 4 month long holidays now and we should rightfully be having ours now too.

then there's that apprehension about approaching patients, not knowing the right thing to say, because i admit that i'm not the outgoing sort. i'm gonna need more time and effort to get good at this, and i'm gonna need help with my chinese too haha. i've whined enough about this to some people, all that remains is to continue trying and developing a thicker skin. it's harder than you think to go up to a random stranger, who is in a foreign and scary place for him, and start probing for his most intimate details. i mean this both mentally and physically. everytime i sit and think that perhaps theres nothing intimidating about that, and that i have nothing to lose by just trying. the moment i'm approaching a patient though, i start to mildly panic. sure i can do it if i'm forced to, but i don't like it. worst of all, i hate that i don't like it.

and so i try, i really do. the good thing is, i think it gets better every day. every day i manage to talk to someone i feel good about it. i feel good about remembering the small things that are important in talking to patients, and noticing small things like how the mother of a sick child is pregnant, or for picking up that a little girl who refused to say much actually had type I diabetes. important considering we nearly wanted to bring her a chocolate bar which would have put her right back into the ketoacidosis she was warded for. all these small things make me feel that i'm worthy of being in the wards, where we walk around with the power to talk to any patient we want and look at their files. baby steps in the long journey.

then apart from the soft skills, theres the actual studying and learning of the thousand and one things. actually not thousand, but infinite, because we could spend a whole 24 hours talking about the examination, pathology and management of a patient, and still not be done. dr lau was right in repeatedly saying that medicine in interesting, because i think thats a gross understatement. 20 years down the road, i think i'll be like him still, saying in that awestruck voice that medicine is interesting, because it truly is. but the downside of that is that we have to know all that, and know it well to be able to do our job well. just 3 days and my stack of notecards has been filled by practically illegible scribblings that i'm supposed to read up on and write down properly, but obviously i havent due to the numerous other time fillers ie touch and mj and brain game and friends haha.

already i'm morphing into more doctor-like material. don't laugh and say that its only been 3 days, how can i possibly change. wait till you survive more than 48 hours on 3 hours of sleep, and feel the pain in my feet from standing and walking all day. perhaps it will only get worse, but i'm glad simply because i dont dread it like i used to anymore. :)

words to remember and laugh at:
"GOD knows."
"doesn't matter what you have"
"the seed and the soil"
"benign sexual headache" and "if you have it multiple times after that the pain goes away"
"why are you all thrombosing the walkway"
doesnt matter if these dont mean anything to you, just know that most doctors are quirky with a strange sense of humour and several pet phrases and habits.

ahh it's like being pushed into the deep end of the ocean with scuba diving gear and no license. first you flounder and struggle to master the equipment but if you finally get it you look around and discover the colourful and unexplored marine life below. sure theres the risk of drowning but ur generally safer than you think and the view might just be worth it.
sometimes you need a jolt to put things back into perspective. because life is hard, its like stumbling around drunk and your world is spinning and certain things feel like the most important things in the world. you let them consume you, when in reality they mean nothing at all, not really. so when you finally get that slap in your face, or the cold water splashed on you, your priorities right themselves and you focus on the things you ought to. too bad feeling all high and dizzy is nice too and i never stick to the righted world for too long, no matter how much i know i should.

i should:
remember that i have more than enough things to be grateful for
never let anyone make me feel smaller than i am
treasure the people around me
take my time and enjoy things as they come
go to church

i really should. but these are things i tell myself time and again, until they just become things i tell myself time and again. maybe i need that seismic shift to make me learn, but i'm way too scared to find out what that would cost me.

on a lighter note, i'm finally going to buy clinical clothes tmr. on the very last day possible. i guess i wasnt looking forward to it too much. i might even have dreaded it, because it feels like i'm starting down a path that i have to stick to for the rest of my life and i guess i'm apprehensive. but since i discovered something awhile ago, i somehow want to do this more (this meaning venturing into the hospitals proper). cliched as this may sound, i want to learn i want to make a difference, i want to help. perhaps delayed reaction there but as they say, better late than never.

i keep thinking about the law of averages, or whatever its called. the theory that good comes with an equal amount of bad, where down's the only way to go if you're at the peak.
because i think i've been having it pretty good all my life. not perfect for sure, because nothing's perfect, but certainly above average. so i keep worrying about when smth bad will happen. for sure, what goes around comes around. i even think i DESERVE trouble and anguish.
or maybe this is as bad as it gets already. i feel as though i'm waiting for something to happen, the major event thats gonna change my life forever. i've probably been reading too many books. i say this because books focus on a major event or time period in the protagonist's life, and it makes me wish that smth like that was happening to me too. but it's completely unrealistic because the likelihood that the major event will happen within these few weeks as opposed to some other time in my entire life is pretty small. IF there's even gonna be a major event. maybe we all go through life looking for that one event but only a handful of us get it, while the rest just have several significant episodes that don't quite match up.
so i am floating around trying to find joy in every day, trying to fill up the hours so that i won't keep thinking about how empty the future is. bright, but empty. give me a choice between being wildly successful in my future career, and being emotionally satisfied, i think i'd pick the latter. or maybe i'm saying this now because i'm just bored. they say that being with someone shouldnt complete you. you should be whole and happy before you even consider getting someone, but i cannot for the life of me see how that works. at risk of sounding totally pathetic, i think i need someone to complete my happiness. just that 10% more to reach 100%. i could be a romantic, i could be a fool.

"hope was a pathological part of puberty, like acne and surging hormones. you might sound cynical to the world, but that was just a defence mechanism, cover-up coating a zit, because it was too embarrassing to admit that in spite of the bum deals you kept getting, you hadn't completely given up."

back to the topic about deserving some pain, i guess i think i've been having it too easy, too good. never having to really fight for what i wanted, most of the time it's just handed to me just the way i like. i called the shots, and maybe now its backfiring. if so then maybe i should just be stoic about it, because if it's down now, it's bound to go up again. my luck will return, and things will turn out right again.
meanwhile i shall settle in between sadness and happiness, letting things around me pull me transiently in either direction. i dont like being in this position though, because it means my moods fluctuate too easily for my liking. i could try to be happy, but sometimes i dont see the point in deceiving myself. why be happy if there's nothing really to be happy about? then again i've probably come to expect too much, because it's been too good.

so really, i'm back to square one.
yesterday someone said "loneliness is beautiful" and according to stump i gave a classic absolutely bewildered like wth are you talking about look.
today i felt some strange urge to walk home from orchard after a wonderful night out. yes, alone. and i thought about it, among many other things.
there was this one time i tried out a personality quiz thingy and out of 9 different pictures of places i'd choose to visit, i picked one that showed a dark, desolate place. there was ice and snow everywhere and the moon was out, bathing everything in a frosty pale blue. then the analysis thing said that very few pple chose that and i can understand why. why pick something that looks downright depressing when there are other pictures of sunny beaches and green rolling hills. i guess very few people will see it my way.
i imagined myself standing in the middle of that, in virtual silence. the cold permeates my clothes, just enough to keep me feeling awake and alive, while the same scene stretches out for miles in all directions. and i am completely alone in that world. just me and the stars and my thoughts and all that i believe in. i thought maybe in somewhere so different, so mystical, i will feel so different that i truly become a different person. (haha this is so hard to put down in words, but i will continue cuz it doesnt really matter if you get it or not.)
to me, that scene metaphorizes(?) loneliness. scary, chilling, but oh so beautiful. it's like how some people may prefer night to day, when everything is quiet and still for once and it's easy to find yourself alone.
or maybe night is only beautiful when there is the promise of the light of day. after all, living in darkness forever is a dreadful thought. likewise, maybe loneliness is only beautiful when you are sure that someday it will be replaced by something else. cause hell, no one can live alone.

so when i'm sort of done appreciating the night, i can only hope that dawn will follow.
WHAT IF LOVE IS ONLY A FEELING.

'cause you came at a time
when the pursuit of one true love in which to fall
was the be-all and end-all.
love is only a feeling
drifting away
when i'm in your arms i start believing
it's here to stay
but love is only a feeling
anyway.


what if, despite all the grandeurs of love, how people celebrate it the world over, the emphasis placed on it, love is just another feeling. like happiness, sadness, elation, boredom. a feeling that you get when you see a person, a feeling that can't last forever, because thats what feelings are. they come and go.

and science supports this view, because the attraction and light-headedness that constitutes the feeling of love all boils down to a chemical reaction in the brain. or because pheramones are supposed to determine attraction to one another, and these unconscious smells we emit are based on genetics. is love then just a pairing determined since the day you were conceived? how terribly unromantic.

then one would go on to argue that love isnt just attraction, but the companionship factor as well. if you take the attraction out, all thats left is a friend so whats the difference?

all this cynicism about love isnt helping. maybe i just wasnt cut out for it, not the way you'd like. i dont know what to think, i dont know what to feel. i'm sorry but this is draining me.

may 2008 be a year of less depressing episodes. less futile thinking, less regrets, less fear of the unknown.

more love, more new people, more new experiences. more doing what i should, more knowing what to do, more faith.

forgiveness.

i want to walk away from 2007 remembering all the good parts, and learning from the bad ones.

who am i to even ask.





but already, this year's off to a bad start.

what am i to do?


oh the guilt.

been doing things that do not involve staphyloccocus aureus or listeria monocytogenes or actinomyces israelii and that is very very bad. (actually since they're normal flora anything i do sort of involves them, but lets not be too geeky now heh.)

so this is what i do to make myself feel better:

kim. says: eh do you find bacteria damn hard?
kim. says: i need reassurance
kim. says: i think i cant remm everything
yu hui says: haha NO LIKE DAMN EZ LA PLS
kim. says: HAHAHA
kim. says: reassure me la!!

didnt really work, but at least my new wallet which matches my new phone makes life alot brighter haha. after days of wasted(maybe not) time playing lots of mahjong and shopping and doing useless things, i have decided to start studying proper. just ONE WEEK. i will start promptly at 7 ie 10 mins time. or maybe when i'm done with this heh.

exciting things that made christmas seem more like christmas:
ESCAPES christmas gathering!!

my brother's nice office. i wanna redo my room like that heh.
first things first, FOOD.

lydia's and mong's punishment for not wearing dresses: carol over the noise of the rest of us playing mj haha.
present time!

stump with her VERY USEFUL gift of an orange peeler. where would we be without ingenious contraptions like that. wonders haha.

couple photo heh.






boxing day NUS touch gathering to welcome xt back and send huimin off!

pizza making at derel's house!


tastes way better than it looks haha.
small face yuan.
big face yuan!


secret santa/gift snatching
the gift i snatched from lydia haha. there are no friends in this game-her words just before the game started haha.

and from my dear generous brother. :)

okay from this moment, fun and festivities are officially over.

:(

BLACKS FUN TOUCH at saint andrews village.

where i reluctantly joined a team in the men's category. luckily i wasnt the only girl. but it was a pretty good day in the sun. happy to see shan and mongs there! next time ex-hc team okayyy haha. now for peekchures of this pretty day.

thats all folks i'm tireddd.

now if she does it like this will you do it like that.
now if she touches like this, will you touch her right back.
now if she moves like this, will you move it like that.

2 days to guilt-free fun!! :)